Allways just 2 b me!!!!!

Well, Hello.  It seems that I have a bad habit of letting time fly past my as of Late.  I still had not to much happen, except to not make it out of the ER, and let myself burn out.

Last year we had a change over of Supervisors.  We also had a Large turn over of the staff.  The shift I had was Always short a person.  Some would come in for a part of shift, or for one shift to help, but I still felt I was doing more work than usual as new employees found their rhythm and speed.  This seems to be a bad pattern that wont break any time soon.

I did two trips at the end of the year.  I had asked Meghan if she wanted to go to Florida with me this year and when she looked hesitant I then offered the Ball again.  She wanted to go to the ball.  This year we did less in L.A.  We went to Alhambra for some laser tag, our usual Shopping in the fabric district and in Japan Town,  and Drove the entire Sunset Road from Downtown to the PC1.  Then On Sunday we went to Catalina Island, and Monday to San Dimas for the Raging Waters Park.

LOJ Ball, Millennium Baltimore, L.A.

Avalon, Catalina Island

Raging Waters, San Dimas, Cool Water Coaster.

Then in September I went to Florida.  The first afternoon Caitlyn and I drove 2 and 1/2 hours from Orlando to Clearwater.  The Gulf town was cute and we saw the Dolphins from the Dolphin tale movies.  We didn't get back to Orlando until around 10pm.

Clearwater Beach looking at the Gulf.

Then the next day we were up and at Universal Studios down the road from our Hotel at 9am.  We were there for only one day and did half of each park. the Harry Potter World is split between both parks and connected by the Hogwarts Train.  we did Dr. Sousse's land, Jurassic Park, Atlantis, and Hogsmead in one park.  Then we did Diagon Alley, the Simpson's, ET, and the Men in Black areas in the main park.  It was great fun on a Monday.

Hogsmead Stag, Showing My Slytherin Pride

On Tuesday we went to Sea World.  I fed sea lions and looked at a few exhibits while Caitlyn did the penguin meet and greet.  Then we rushed to the other side of the park where I took pictures of her feeding and playing with arctic whales.  I then went through the exhibit while they finished and changed.  The most memorable part of this day for me was wondering if we were going to be hit by geysers from other people on the flume ride.  It was Atlantis themed and we had spent about Five dollars hitting other riders with them.  Well we got on the ride not knowing it had started raining when we were indoors.  So when we went down the flume to the outside, no one was at the geyser buttons, but we still got completely soaked by the rain as we went through the outside track to the second part of the ride.  Then as we got off, the rain had stopped.  So it had essentially Rained just to ensure we had gotten soaked for the ride.  The rest of the time was sunny and warm.

The Sea Lions I fed for a while

Wednesday was for the Water Park run by Sea World, it was great fun and even though it opened the latest at 10am.  We had done all the rides we wanted and spent a good deal of time in the faster Rapid's river going in circles in a life jacket by 3pm.  So we left and checked into the Hotel by Disney, and got a lay of the area.

Floating in the faster Rapids River.

Thursday was when the real marathon began we were in the magic kingdom for 12hrs. We did 95% of the rides and all but one were anywhere from a 5 to 20 min wait.  The longest wait we had was for the 7 Dwarfs mine train ride.  It was out of fast passes and the wait never went below 70 min. 

Another advantage was the skattered rains.

Friday we went to Epcot and had great fun. I feel we actually did do everything there and that it was very close to a world's fair. It made me feel not so bad about missing my own state fair during the week.  We decided not to stay for the fireworks display and went back to the hotel early because we were still tired from the day before.

my favorite building, I like shiny things.

Saturday was the Animal Kingdom and it was very nice.  Set up much like Sea World it was lots of animals with a few Rides mixed in.  It was a lot of fun, and we finished by early afternoon again.  So we also went to Downtown Disney which was renamed Disney Springs.  There was a lot to do there but we weren't up for a good part of it.  I did do some shopping of things we had not seen in the parks though.

Safari Tour

Sunday was mostly breakfast and travel.  I almost felt punished for leaving.  I had gotten to my gate an 1 1/2 hour early.  Then a half hour later found out we were on a 2 hour delay which wasn't good because I had an 1 hr 75 min lay over.  Then to top it off we sat on the tarmac for another 20 min.  All this was due to JFK having a runway under construction.  When We were on final approach it was 7:20 pm and my flight would begin boarding at 7:25.  I was told that Final boarding would probably be at 7:55 which was when I was running down the gangway at gate 23 and needing to get to gate 4.   I ran the horseshoe and got to gate 4 to only see no one and the screens declaring Closing.  Luckily a guy was at the next gate and after my small melt down I went over and he let me down the gangway.  I called home as I was the last one of the five still outside the plane getting on.  I got home that night but my suitcase obviously didn't. 

This all wouldn't have been too bad I guess. If I wasn't still stressed out and getting ready for a schedule change, among a few other things, but I can't help wonder if I was being told I should've stayed.  These days I really do wonder.  My schedule change was not what I had hoped, and now I really need to take care of myself and find something new.

This year is a solo trip to the Ball in August, and hopefully a good change.  I have been putting my nose to the grindstone and not getting the satisfaction I need.  In fact I'm now slipping badly in some areas, and it's not a good thing.  If theses are not signs I don't know what is.

Well hopefully I will remember to log more for my family. Hopefully it will be my adventures, and no more complaining.

<3 Mal.

Wow. It's really been awhile since I've posted hasn't it?  sorry for those who like updates. 
Not much has really been going on this year. I started the year stressed and confident because we had switched to a new computer system at work and everyone was working on getting into a grove. Then in February I took and overnight trip to New York city to see if I would want to take a longer trip via the new Jetblue flights. It was nice.  The plane landed at 5:30am and the Subway was easy to find from JFK airport. I was in the city and found my hotel by 7am. My hotel didn't have any left over rooms, so I went north two blocks to Central park to check out all the snow they had received over the two days before my arrival.  
It was very cold and very awesome. I went back down to find breakfast near my hotel and a drugstore to get gloves and a hat. I left them at home on the table heh.  
I wondered through the whole southern half of the park seeing the playgrounds, the skating rink, the zoo, and an area of the park which had big broad paths with band shells and busts of famous scholars and past figures.
I had to walk around the east side of the park because I came out around 85th street, and went to the hotel around 4pm. My legs hurt very badly and I couldn't talk myself into going out anymore. 
The next morning when I got up around 8am it was snowing outside again. I got ready and about 10am an hour before check out it stopped. I decided to walk south to Times square and then went to grand central station, and the empire state building. 
New york was a bit like the first time i went walking in San Francisco by myself. 
Very large with no way for me to fully find directions, but for some of the street signs and Google maps on my phone. It was great fun, and to top it off since it was so cold and President's weekend, the city was not supper busy. I got to walk around and see a lot of wonderful buildings and parks without too many people around me. 

Then this summer I did my usual pilgrimage to LOJ.  This year I took my cousin Meghan with me for a graduation present. She has turned 18 and is now out of high school.  I still remember when she was in NICU and itty bitty like it was just a few years ago. We did all the things, except a few closed shops, that I love to do in Los Angeles.  This was her first trip without any of her parents. So I was determined to make it memorable. Sunburns from the beach included.
We took the train out and back. It was 2 and a half hours late picking us up because of something up the tracks, but made it up a bit overnight and we were only one hour late pulling into Union Station in downtown L.A. Then we were an hour early coming back home. 

In between not much but work sleep and stress happened. Well except for a person of interest whom had time taken up by school and work. hopefully soon we will get to at least getting to know each other better soon, when schooling is over. 

I shall try and see about updating more in the future. :-)
 

Hello, I'm sorry that this year has not been a good one.  For me or for adventures. If you look at my rants from this year, which came at my most frustrated and restless points, you'll see what I mean. Roberta passed away very quietly on Christmas night. Right after the main bulk of our family left the house around 5 pm.  I went in to turn down her space heater we had on while the main house one was turned off, and to turn on her bathroom light that she liked to have on during the night.  She looked normal until I spoke to her. I think I had  come if not right after, then a few minutes after.  The hospice and morgue came to get her with in a half an hour.  

I'm quite relieved that her suffering is over.  It really bothered me that quite a bit of it was self afflicted until she pushed her dementia and Alzheimer's into the forefront.  Then there was no turning back.  

So now we are on to a new year. I plan to finish what I had started in the first two weeks of this year.  I also plan to get back onto my proper eating which I lost due to stress.  I had begun going through my things and getting rid of what I don't need or didn't use.  I now have more stuff to do that with seeing as I got things while living in Roberta's house during my days off.  I am a bit bugged as this year I have lost a day off in order to get it done quickly.  

My schedule at work was changed. I no longer have 3 12hr days. I now work 4 9 1/2hr days which feel like 4 12 hr days.  I'm not really fond of it.  I'm hoping that a three day shift will come up at some point that I can get. Part time is not in the cards for me at this time even though that was the latest three day to open.  

I was also bad with my spending.  I had told myself I would save money this year in order to start on my little house I wish to do.  Frustration, boredom, and access to Amazon were not a good combination for me this year.  In the end I learned A LOT of things about myself and my environment. 

I have a couple of trips planned for this year. One in Feb and my annual one for Cali.  I'm planning on taking my cousin with me for a graduation present.  we have a lot of the same interests, but don't get to see each other often.  I thought it would be fun, and I'm not sure that my normal traveling companion will be coming.  Other than that I'm glad to finally not be relying on someone who is nothing but unreliable, and have my freedom to do what I need to.  

I've been a bit jealous of everyone who had a good year when I was stuck in a holding pattern, but that is something I'm letting go tonite. 2013 ended up being something completely different form what I had set out to do.  

2014 however,  I feel that this one will be my year.  The year I had meant for this year to be.  

Well, this year started out good, and this was from the harvest new year.  From November 1st until January 9th I was doing very well. I was confident in my job after several months of training and learning, I had adjusted to the schedule and was excited about what 2013 would hold.  I had lots of things planned, lots of things, including travel.  

Then over the weekend of January  4th, Bob the neighbor next door got sick and Dad tried to take him to the ER.  He skipped and instead said he made a Dr's visit for the 9th.  I got volunteered to go and take him. That morning I ended up calling 911, and he was gone by the time Roberta and I got to the hospital an hour later. After that it turned in to the most unproductive year ever.  All I've done is stay with Roberta for my four days off.  She has not even tried to get better.  She has tried to make it her time to go instead of enjoying what time she has left.  She has made the Dementia and Alzheimer's worse much quicker by refusing to do anything other than sleep.  She keeps telling us that her time in this world is limited, but refuses to do anything but wait for it.  This has been by far the worst thing I've ever been witness to.  

I got one trip in which was my annual trip for the Masquerade Ball In July.  That was a good and long trip, but not enjoyed as well as usual.  For starters I slept through 85% of it.  Good thing the little postage stamped hotel had comfy beds.  I didn't get out of the hotel until at least 10am, and except for two days I was back by 4pm.  It happened as soon as I got into the hotel room in Los Angeles.  The train trip was nice. I purposely took the train so that I could change my mind frame over the 14hrs it took to get there. 
The Train journey was.......interesting due to a couple of people.  Then when I got my Toyota from enterprise I decided to see if my room might be ready.  It is a small hotel so it wasn't and I went to go get the things I saved to get when I got there.  Then when I got to check in at 2pm, I went strait to a shower and bed.  Didn't even get dinner. It just seemed that the instant I didn't have to stress or worry my body decided it was time to sleep and recoup. 

However on the nights of the ball, I stayed out until 3am Friday, and 2am on Saturday.  Then on Sunday I took my friend who had stayed with me to his car so that he could go to a family party. I promptly went a bit further down the street to get snacks and gas for Monday's trip and went back to the hotel.  Yep, I spent a whole day at the Hotel just watching TV and lounging in bed.  It was awesome!! Then I went to the beach on Monday for a few hours. 

I was mad at this because in all actuality I had a lot more stuff I wanted to do, but only did the big major planned stuff for the trip.  In fact even during the Ball, a place where I usually get lost and enjoy a magnificent kingdom, I was disconnected and didn't enjoy it as much as I would've.  It seemed to stem all from the want of my mind and body to rejuvenate through sleep.  I got the feeling that if I had just stayed in the hotel the whole week my mind and body would've been very happy. 

In all truth, this is probably the first year where the thought of staying and being homeless for a bit didn't seem like a joke.  When it came time to go to the train home.  I very seriously thought about just staying, much more than ever before.  I came home and nothing had changed on the 85 yr old with Dementia and Alzheimer's front.  In fact right now she is holding me captive and complaining about pains that should be gone due to the meds I've given her.  She is in nothing but a depressed state, and she says she doesn't want to be a burden.  However she purposely does all she can to make it seem she is getting her way, by being contradictory and agressive. 

It's past time to put her in a facility.  She never knows who I am, and takes an hour to recognize my Dad.  However her son didn't leave her in a good position. In order to get into a facility we need to get her out from under this mortgage he took out on the house under both their names.  That has been a whole other issue by itself.  I just don't understand the finance world.  It always has to make things so complicated and constatnly sayd you just don't quite make it. 

This whole year from February till now has done nothing but make me feel ill.  My body can stay very healthy as long as I can get proper rest.  My numbers from a check up at work even said that except for my weight gain of 15 pounds, every thing is still good.  How ever for 4 nights a week I average anywhere from 1 to 3 1/2 hours of sleep, and that has not been good on my mental health at all. Roberta seems to be fighting and resolving all her demons during the night.  It ranges from mumbled talk to full out screaming matches in her sleep.  Once in a while we get a week where she sleeps through the night.  I will not be able to do this for another year.

We need to find a proper facility for her. One where we can go visit, but the 24 hr care is not ours. I will be able to handle that, but no more of this limbo stuff.  I had hope to have my trailer for my house and maybe some framing done by now.  I've done nothing but retail therapy and sit in a house bored out of my mind.  It bugs me that 3 yrs after leaving a job that messed with me just like this, I'm right back where I started.  This year was way to unproductive. 

This next Harvest Year that is really going to change. On Oct. 31st some things are going to be looked at and changes made.  Some forced like my work schedule by work. Others done for spiritual and mental health. 

This is insane. Bob really screwed everyone over.  I don't know if it's that he just didn't care, or if he just really was clueless.  My family seems to think that he didn't care and had hoped to out live Roberta. 

So instead of keeping things on a level pace and leaving certain things alone he spent ALL her money and put her in debt with a new mortgage and credit cards.  The worst part is that it's looking more and more that it all went towards gambling more than it did medical. 

At this point Roberta has had a dementia fit and not slept since 41 hrs ago.  I got some sleep because My mom stayed over last night, however she waited until mom tried to get some sleep and finally fell.  she has some scratches on her arm. some bandaged and some not.  

This is getting to be way to much. I can see why the people of old used to think that people with dementia were possessed.  At times it's as if Roberta has split or multiple personalities.  I'm getting tiered of having a lot of down time in which I can't get anything done.  Hell right now I'm typing and watching her work very hard at not sleeping and being upset that her body is sleeping due to valium. 

I keep hoping that she will just finally decide to take a nap.  I have most of my costume cut, and half fray blocked. I should start sewing, but anytime I actually start a project is when she gets at her worst.  also the time when she isn't bad that she wants attention via fighting.  

Seriously I feel that she thinks that fighting is a sport. She is good with my mom and my dad, but every time she only wants to insult me and make sure I know how stupid I am.  She is deteriorating fast and we haven't been able to fix much of the crap.  My mom wants me to buy her house so that she is no longer under a mortgage.  I really don't want a house.  She is pushing it as an investment, but I don't really want a house.  I want the small house that I want to build.  

I should have more money saved up.  I should be using my tax return to put more money towards that goal, however, in my depression and frustration I have turned to retail therapy and have to fix my own new debt.  Now that I'm trying to not buy, I'm starting to stress eat.  It's very hard to stay balanced when you have someone who won't let you sleep for 4 out of 7 nights a week.

This is getting to be too much.  I used to wonder why people would be so quick to put loved ones in a home, but there will come a day where we will have too because at this time she has no concern for even her own safety. 

Well my animals are upset and claiming neglect.  Roberta will claim neglect no matter what, Especially when the weather is bad. She takes great joy in being contradictory and abstinent, weather she is in a glassy eyed dementia state or not.  Most of the arguments had she starts just because.

I've learned several things during these 4 months.  The big ones being that I no longer wish to overload my mind with useless stuff, neither do i want to hang on to anger or resentment.  The amount of bitterness that Roberta will exhibit is insane.  Bitterness is not what I want at her age.

It is something that I have had over the past 3 yrs.  Something that is still remnant from my days in PBX at Sandia.  I've tried to let time heal it, but it sticks like no other.  It doesn't help that there are many people and situations that push for the bitterness to stay.  Such as this one with Roberta.

I haven't been this depressed or frustrated in 4 yrs.  mostly it's from the lack of sleep while being with Roberta, and then the stress of 12 hr shifts for my 3 days that I'm working.  I have two months to get a costume that I want to make done, but haven't been able to seriously start it.

In fact, there are many projects that I had in the works revolving around my resolutions that have gone to the way side.  I hope to fix that soon. I've been asking for y family to get a caretaker to come in on Friday's so that I can have a day to do things.  however my mom has decided that means that she will stay over night a couple of more nights and not run away as late when she works. 

That has help a bit, but not in the way that I need.  I still have no transition time from one great big stress to the other, and it's affecting me at work.  12 hr days are a stress, this full time care is a stress.  I've had a very small amount of time to calm and chill.  It's affecting my sleep and health.  Not a good thing I know.   

I fell that I know what my big lesson is, and I'm starting to look at what I will need to do in order to put it into effect.  Infact I fully intend to not stay with my family anymore.  I'll let you in on more in awhile. 

Holy crap, the past three weeks have been real shit.  Roberta has not been even trying to get better.  We also missed a second issue while trying to take care of her pain from her fall at the beginning of last month.  The others are telling me that UTI's do cause high agitation, but Roberta seems to have just had nothing but agitation since Bob's passing.

She even was really crappy to the people in the Rehab center that took her in from the hospital to get her stronger.  I've caught myself being so caught up in the frustration enough that I was wanting to hit her back.  So now anyway she is in hospice, and I'm feeling like crap.  I even had a full blown Migraine yesterday.  I haven't had one of those in close to a decade.  I think that most of my frustration with this is not having the support that I need.

Mom was supposed to have more time to help with this new job of hers.  Instead she is still throwing he hours everywhere, and not coming home when she says she will.  She either tacks hours from work or just plain takes off some where else and doesn't come to help.   I'm here the most and get the least help.  It's really starting to take a strain on me.

Next week I'm going up to Denver to stay a night with Desi, and see the Repo!/The devil's carnival double feature with her.  Then we will both be coming back on the 22nd.   Will make a post and take lots of pics.

So it's now officially been six days since Bob passed away on Roberta and us.  The only one who seemed to see it as an extreme possibility was my dad.  The rest of us got sideswiped by the incedant. As far as I knew he had just the Flu or maybe Pneumonia.  I was supposed to take him to his 3 pm Doctors meeting on Wednesday, January the 9th, not calling an ambulance and adopting a 85 yr old third grandmother.  

That is what has happened though.  Bob got too sick and didn't a whole lot with it.  He Semi tried on Sunday when he asked my dad to take him to the VA to see a Doctor, but when they told him that none of the regular doctors where there to see patients he went home instead of to the ER room like he should have.  I don't know why he was being so stubborn, but it continued up until Tuesday night when My dad was trying to talk him into getting in one of our cars so the dad could take him to the ER. 

So know we are going paperwork and making steps to keep Roberta in her home.  I was with her on Wed. and Thurs. nights last week, and mom  was with her on Fri., Sat., and Sun nights.  I took back over on Mon. and will go until Fri. again.  I'll need to go home so that I can sleep for work on Sat.  hopefully today we can get all the legal things we need to help Roberta and keep her home so that she doesn't have anymore upsets.  She has seemed to come to terms of her three males now being gone, but we still don't want to leave her alone. 

I'm very grateful to our neighbors George and Barbara.  From the time I had to have George come over to help have Bob stop arguing with me about calling an ambulance, to helping with going through things, and watching Roberta when we can't.  They have helped a GREAT deal.   Things are slowly coming together, but it's been hard since we can't find any official paper work and had to take extra steps to find things.   Things like what the cemetery is, what the funeral home is, and what the bills are. 

This was all stuff already laid out by previous family that had passed.  So this one has been a very educational experience   I've put my beneficiaries for my life insurance down.  Also going to be sure that it is always there so the whom ever needs will have money for a casket or for the fires.  It's all extremely expensive.   I'm also going to buy a little safe to put my list of current bills and debt into for just in case. 

I'll write again when things are more concrete. 

Well here it is......January 1st 2013.    A whole new year in the regular calender.  I've spent since the Lunar new year trying to decide on some really good Resolutions.   I know 2 months is a long time isn't it?  The good ones take time.  So after a rough day at work, and not making it to midnight last night, I'm getting my intents ready for the New Years rite to do before the end of the week.   Which I'm going to have these three working resolutions in.  As well as some intents for during the year to happen.  All but one from last year seems to have manifested.  I'm quite happy about that.   So here are my resolutions which are working intents. 

Pick up my Fitness Lifestyle again,  During this year because of many different reasons I've let the Fitness lifestyle that I developed over the past 3 yrs to slip.  I've lost the build up I made and gained 10 pounds.  This year I'm going to fix that.  Especially now that I have mostly caught up on my back log of things that developed during my time in school. I should be able to grocery shop for myself now and get back on track.   The Social worker at the ER told me about this place http://www.skarsgardfarms.com/   They deliver from a near by year round farmers.  So I can have good groceries delivered every Friday with out having to fight people in the store.  It also looks about the same of what I would spend at sprouts of Trader Joes every week. 

Stop depriving myself both physically and mentally, This one I've been very bad about over this and last year.  Most was due to funds, some to tiredness  and some to lack of motivation to do more than what I just need to do.  I've gotten myself stuck in a 'I can't do this because of _____' mode.  I don't like that.  I end up just staying at home, forgoing the product that makes me feel better, or skipping the activity i want to do the most because of it.   This year I'm going to work at find ways to do what I want to do most.  Even if it means driving somewhere with $60.00 in my pocket and sleeping in my car at the Wal-Mart there.  Missing a couple of things I really wanted to do because of not having the funds really took a toll on my internal well being.  The disappointment was a heavy weight. 

Give in to my inner creative child more,  This one has happened do to perceived sacrifice.  You know all the things and people that tell you to be a different person and way 'Just to be an adult'.  Well I fell into that trap too.  So now since I plan not to deprive. I'm going to use this resolution to help in achieving the second one.  I always have ideas and storied in my head, but always to tiered to even try them.  Then  feel guilty or angry that I decided not to do it.  So I aim to stop doing and listening to the comparison monster and do what I internally want to do. 

So with this day being the title of this song for a New Year.  this is what my main daily goals are to help with the larger goals. 

So, the new year is in 5 days.  Wow this year went by VERY fast.  It seems that just last week I was very excited because I had fully finished the medical records room, and was going to start my training class for Presbyterian hospital registration.  

I'm very ready for 2013.  It's time to combine my things and get back on a very good track.   Starting by losing the 8 pounds I picked back up this year.  I had a few big things to focus on and I got them accomplished.  Now I just need to spread out and make things an even plain.  It will be awhile before I can go back to the Gym I love and prefer, but I do have some plans that I'm starting in order to get back to where I was at the beginning of this year with my body.  So now I shall hit the next stage of my new decade of life.  Next Wednesday after I have thought about it and after my New Years ritual I will post my resolutions for 2013.

For now However, I'm actually quite happy with how this year went.  It was quick and I missed an annual trip that I LOVE dearly, but it went the way I needed it to.  I will just have to make the trip this year so much better.  In fact I have two pieces or a good costume, and I just have to decide how I want to do the dress.

So everyone be safe for the New Year celebrations.

So I've been working very hard on my promise of no more comparison. It's much harder than I thought, but the times I'm successful at it yield awesome results.  I never fully realized how much restriction one puts on themselves with that pesky thing.  Of course, until the past 4 yrs I wouldn't really deal with comparison for long anyway.  At the end of my last job I had it crammed in my face so much that I just picked it up.  Now however I hope that it wont take to long to get it out of my system.  I'm much happier and get things done faster with out it.

I also hope that once I get rid of that ugly habit of comparison everything else will be easier.  After all if I'm not judging myself then I can just keep moving forward right?

I saws this pic of one of my heroes Sir Richard Bronson posted on Facebook by purpose Fairy.
  So in keeping with the spirit of not comparing myself to others I've decided to use this as a guide to getting back to being myself.

No matter if it's this person.

,This person.

,This person.

, Or even this person.

Just kidding the last blonde one is an entirely different Malibu.  One I love quite a bit and wish would come for a visit, but you get what I mean right?  On to being ME!!!

Over the past 3 in a half weeks I've been fielding many other issues and things in my mind and surroundings.  Isn't it interesting how you can look tiered and sad on the outside but an entire war and much more can be going on in your head?

I've been a very angry and apathetic person for 2 yrs and almost 4 months now.  It's kind of odd because it's not like I've only stayed in a corner and done nothing the whole time.  In fact I've been trying very hard to return to the person that I once was and be happy and optimistic again.  Thing is I know how bad I was when I finally realized I plain just needed to leave an environment that was not good for me.  Unfortunately I didn't realize exactly how BROKEN I was when I left.  I thought it was just the environment and that I had tried to deal with it and hope for the best for too long a time, but it seems to have been more than that.  

I can get myself into a good mood and do awesomely for a short period of time, and be happy that I'm the old me again.  However, it only lasts for a short period of time.  It's been a frustrating time because I want so badly to be the person I know I can be, not the tiered, apathetic, hermit that I can easily fall into.  There was a time where I could spend a whole day with those I love doing all kinds of active things and never feel burdened, now however, only after a short bit I just want to be left alone and not be bothered.  

There was a time where I always wanted to be active and found a way to do it no matter how long it took, or bothersome it was.  Now if it seems that it will be hard I just want to not even start it.  I Have recently read some articles and blogs on certain things and come to a realization this week.   There is something fundamentally broken with in me.  I'm not sure what it is, but it has taken quite a bit from me. I no longer Trust, I no long truly care, I just do the minimum to get by, and I get frustrated by it all because it's not what I want to do.  

I recently commented about how some relationships don't do well once passed the stage of lust because the people try to keep that first stage and wont grow or evolve becoming selfish trying to get that first stage back.  At this point I think that may be my problem.  I want to grow and evolve, but also be that old me who was always up to it and eager for it.  Right now all I do is get angry with myself and escape into the internet.  There is so much that I no linger want to be but keep finding myself in that very spot.  Well now there is another blog that I have found that made me see another thing, and now I will see what I can do to utilize that wisdom. 

Part of my issue is that I have some people around me that wish to help also, but because they do not know my mind what they say and do doesn't really help at all.  In fact it just adds to the part of my mind that beats me up and tells me how bad I am.  The good thing now is that I realize that there is no going back to who I was.  That should not have been my goal in the first place.  My goal should be to move on and away from the hurt and breakage I have suffered, but have not been able to at all.   I've actually done a lot of things in my time of not working, but because my financial side suffered have let it make me feel a failure.  That's the first thing I will need to stop.  I took care of family, I went to school and now have a good job.  This job is set up to give me a much, much better balance of work and personal life than the last job, and yet I haven't made that work just yet because I'm stuck in a bad cycle.  It's now October and the Harvest New Year is 2 weeks away.  

Now is the time to reflect, and treat it as a reflection not as a judgmental tool as I have been.  I'm going to post the article and the 2 blogs that helped me realize this.  I know that two of them are about relationships with others, but what is the bond with the two parts of your thinking mind if not a relationship?  One is always on the good, uplifting side, and one is always on the bad, judgmental side. I beginning to think that in order to be balanced I need to start treating this as a relationship rather than as a battle of will.

Article

Blog

Blog

I've been a bad girl. I have let myself get way too lazy!!  I got the latest virus that was going around the place where I was volunteering last November, and then just flat out stopped going to the gym.  I really need to start working out again. I've lost all of my toning and now have gained 5 pounds all around.  I need to drop my soda habit that I picked back up while working, and get back on track with my diet.  There were too many things that happened between last November and Now that I just let get in the way and run me down.  

Now is the time to stop that and get back on track.  I'm not going to get back to my favorite place just yet.  There are other ways though and i need to use them up until I can get back to the correct place.
Why I let myself get to this point I have no Idea, but it's time to stop.   I don't want to be a zombie who feels tired all the time ever again.  Not like how I was with my last job.  TIME FOR LAZY TIME TO BE OVER!!

I know that it was 7 days ago on the 31st of July, and that makes this post 7 days late.  I actually didn't celebrate until Wednesday the 1st.  I finally had the money to rent a room at the Park Inn Radison for the water park.   I'm glad that I did, it was a lot of fun.  A couple of weeks before my cousin Theresa, her sister in-law Tanya, and I went to cliffs with all the toddlers. the idea was to spend most of the time at the water monkeys water part.  It used to be a small gym with a sallow wading pool around it and we thought they would enjoy. 

I had been hearing the advertisements about it being made bigger and a separate area for the toddlers was being made.  It turned out that there was not much for those under 45" at the new monkey's.

So on to the first,  I rented a room and got the passes for the water park and it was awesome.  A bit smaller than I expected but had quite a bit for us to do. there was a mini river to float in, a gym just like the water monkey's used to be, and  several other things. we spent a good 4 hours there and had lots of fun.  the 2 slides they have are tall and windy.  Theresa and I couldn't get up the courage to go through the one where you are just sliding by yourself, but we went down the tube riding one twice.  there was also a wave surfing machine there.  One of the McCann teens Christopher and I went on it.  Velvet recorded it for me and I will post it for you.  

if anything shows my age it has to be this. I thought I was doing pretty good until I tried to kneel then FWAP!! next thing I knew my bum was hitting the top.  I knew thw water was in my ear but didn't realize exactly how I had wiped out.  Craziness for sure.  

I've been in my position for a little bit now.  It's a bit scary how fast the time goes when your work week is only 3 days at a time. I've been in the ER Admitting for  4 weeks now, but only have worked  11 days.  It is a bit frustrating for me because I look at the length before I remind myself that I have to look at days.  When I look at the length of a month I feel that I should be much further in my comfort zone than I am, but then when I realize to look at the days I feel much better and on track.  It's been interesting that is for sure.  As I have told some of my co-workers it has been a long road to where I am now.  Much longer than I had thought it would be when I started (I'm sure I've said that many times before), but I'm grateful for it.   Talking to these guys and appreciating the environment I'm in has made me realize that I needed the time that it took.  With that time I recovered and now have an awesome work place.  Granted that odd things happen, and the patients may not always be cooperative, but it's the co-workers and supervisors that make or break a job.  Both are quite awesome.

I've even been able to get some needed things and started being social again.  Just this past Tuesday, my cousin, her toddler, my cousin in-law, and her toddler spent the morning at Cliffs. It was a lot of fun, and made me realize exactly just how badly a hermit I have been.  I was hoping to go to Denver for the week of my birthday, but that isn't going to happen.  So instead I plan to go to the Park inn and play in the water park with the ones I went to cliffs with.  Clifss was fun for the rides, but the water monkeys was mostly geared to older kids and we weren't able to get or find any good little slides for a 2 and 3 yr old.  So now we will see what the indoor water park has to offer now that I have a bit of money to check it out.

I barley went to the ACE comic con this year, and missed my trip back home to Sypher.  So next year I plan to do much better with both.  Well at least with the ball I will do better.  for ACE I will only be able to go on Friday. :-) it will still be good though.  I'm working out in my head on what and how I'm going to catch up on certain things. then will start on the funds and savings I will need to do in order to get my little house on wheels started.

I'm very grateful to be in the wonderful place I'm at right now.  It's better than I had hoped it would be, And even though I'm not going to make it to Denver when I had planned I will get there by the end of August.  I also need to go see a friend in California by the end of the year, and get a friend who is now in Mexico to come visit.  So much to do and time is going quick.  How ever I feel that the only one that will be tricky is the bringing Malibu here.  She may make me wait until next year, but I hope no longer than spring.

<3

Well here we are!!  June 30th was the official 2 yr mark for when I started this journey.  I've now got to the next level and seem to be OK with the new job.  I've put in my first 3 day training and it went well. It will be a bit before I'm completely comfortable in a few places, but I'm excited about things so far.  Got my first check from the initial training class and got my uniform polo's and 2 new pairs of shoes.   Feel awesome since I've needed new shoes for about a year.  I'm going back in for my second round of three day week, and I'm very excited.  I also feel that I'm in a good place now.  As with any place I feel that there will be no getting around situations where there is conflict with people, but now I feel that it can be, Will be resolved in a timely and proper manner.  


I'm finally in a good place mentally.  It feels really good to not be in the dark and crazy place I was when I finally decided to let go of my fear and of the awful environment that was my last job.  I'm finally ready to move further forward and put the past couple of years into practice.  So except for the friends I made, I'm not going to even think about anything before Carrington College after this point.  The next step for me is to finish adjusting to a 3 day, 12 hr work week. (these past four days I've been very tired)  Then I shall finish going through and parring down my things as I save the money to build my little house.  


I'm ready.  I've stayed with my family for a number of reasons,  and told myself that I would move on after several things changed.  It's very obvious now that those things will not change, and I just need to move forward with that in mind.  I have the plans, and have been pinning on pintrest things that catch my eye for my little Popomo home.  Soon I will start checking around for trailer's to see which I would like to purchase.   Well I guess that's all for this update.  Promise to check back again soon. :-)

Do you ever have an exchange weather it's in person or on-line that is normal between people, but then have a full moment of clarity??  Not even because of what the person said, but just because of the exchange?  Just seeing the way it goes down and not really reacting to it, but actually seeing it.  then realize how zombified you were?  That just happened to me yesterday.  It made me realize some of the reason of why it's taken me so long to get to where I am.

On June 30th it will officially be 2 yrs since I said screw you in a nice way to my last job where I was in the worst mental state ever, and fast getting sick.  Even though I had gone to a personal trainer and was in the best physical shape I had ever been in didn't help so much.  Well I shouldn't say it didn't help. It did in fact help a bit.  It made me realize how crazy the environment I was in, and gave me the courage to say adios.

I had hoped to find a better environment after going on a trip I had planned way in advance. I had unwound a bit and hoped to hit the ground running which did not happen.  Many other things did instead, and now after those things, and even school.  Some of my environment is still not in good order, but I FEEL much better. In fact today I started training for a new job that as I did all the different interviews and things for seemed to be just what I want.

The schedule is interesting and will take some getting used to, but promises to give an excellent work/personal life ratio.  Once I get settled in one of my first goals is to reconnect with friends that I have dropped away from.  In fact I ran into one(Jenn) just this weekend at the ACE Comic Expo. It's going to be a good end of the year. I plan on getting several goals that I could not do because of lack of funds done. After all I'll have 3 to 4 days to get them done.

I'll write another check up in about two weeks after I'm done with my training class to let you know how things are going. until then i hope for a good summer for everyone.

Well after I used up the last of my hours for my second Externship. I decided to stay on over at RCA for three days a week to keep gaining some experience under my belt as I do a job search.
On my first Tuesday off ,about three months ago, I decided to go to the Library to see if they had a certain book that I could try and borrow to study for my second go at the CPC test.  The library didn't have the book. So I went to go look in my favorite areas to see what they did have that the brick and mortar book stores here do not.
I found this book.




When I picked it up form the shelf I thought 'Hmm that is an interesting title'.  I have had a few issues since about September where I felt I wasn't doing quite as well as I should, but couldn't put it down to much more than that I had other things that caught my attention or felt to tired.  then I started to read the book and it grabbed my attention with in the first chapter, and I knew that this was part of my issue.  I stayed at the Library for as long as I could reading about 50 pages, and deciding that this is a book that I need to own.  So I went to Barnes and Noble, Page One and Hastings, but couldn't find it any where.  I ended up buying it off of Amazon and waiting a week for it.


The concept of certain things hit so close to home that it really scares me, but it speaks to me and clicks in my mind the way no book has for a decade. The book that Click like this back then is one that I share with friends who need help in seeing that what they see is not always as wrong as others. My so called 'Pay if forward book', and it has actually helped a few people as far as I know.

The last book to speak to me in this way was this one.

This book however is helping me realize that I really let myself get trodden over in the last few years, and has ways to help me.  I've been trying for the past couple of years( as of the end of June.) to recover from my rut and Just be my full self again full time and Not just every so often, but haven't been very successful by my self and there are a few quotes from this book that have helped me see why.


Here are a few of them.
"People try to protect themselves against feeling bad by not feeling too good."   I do this now.


"Misery Addicts tend to give themselves less than what they need." 


"Misery Addict's are addicted to the system they have devised to protect themselves from unbearable disappointment."  the went into further detail of avoidance, which is something I have use largely in the past 5 years. 


"The Misery Addict absolutely must use support to make it. Yet all their instincts warn them against revealing themselves to others."


"If we continue to try to control something that can't be controlled, we keep ourselves stuck in our addiction to Misery."


These quotes Have helped me to stop and think and see certain patterns that I have been going through.  As a result I have been striving to not fall back into the lines that I have used for way too long.  Already it has helped me greatly.  I think that especially with the way we are all stuck in thinking because of the economy, this book should be read by more of us.  So please go find a copy somewhere and read at least the first half.  Maybe it will help you too.