Allways just 2 b me!!!!!

So, the new year is in 5 days.  Wow this year went by VERY fast.  It seems that just last week I was very excited because I had fully finished the medical records room, and was going to start my training class for Presbyterian hospital registration.  

I'm very ready for 2013.  It's time to combine my things and get back on a very good track.   Starting by losing the 8 pounds I picked back up this year.  I had a few big things to focus on and I got them accomplished.  Now I just need to spread out and make things an even plain.  It will be awhile before I can go back to the Gym I love and prefer, but I do have some plans that I'm starting in order to get back to where I was at the beginning of this year with my body.  So now I shall hit the next stage of my new decade of life.  Next Wednesday after I have thought about it and after my New Years ritual I will post my resolutions for 2013.

For now However, I'm actually quite happy with how this year went.  It was quick and I missed an annual trip that I LOVE dearly, but it went the way I needed it to.  I will just have to make the trip this year so much better.  In fact I have two pieces or a good costume, and I just have to decide how I want to do the dress.

So everyone be safe for the New Year celebrations.

So I've been working very hard on my promise of no more comparison. It's much harder than I thought, but the times I'm successful at it yield awesome results.  I never fully realized how much restriction one puts on themselves with that pesky thing.  Of course, until the past 4 yrs I wouldn't really deal with comparison for long anyway.  At the end of my last job I had it crammed in my face so much that I just picked it up.  Now however I hope that it wont take to long to get it out of my system.  I'm much happier and get things done faster with out it.

I also hope that once I get rid of that ugly habit of comparison everything else will be easier.  After all if I'm not judging myself then I can just keep moving forward right?

I saws this pic of one of my heroes Sir Richard Bronson posted on Facebook by purpose Fairy.
  So in keeping with the spirit of not comparing myself to others I've decided to use this as a guide to getting back to being myself.

No matter if it's this person.

,This person.

,This person.

, Or even this person.

Just kidding the last blonde one is an entirely different Malibu.  One I love quite a bit and wish would come for a visit, but you get what I mean right?  On to being ME!!!

Over the past 3 in a half weeks I've been fielding many other issues and things in my mind and surroundings.  Isn't it interesting how you can look tiered and sad on the outside but an entire war and much more can be going on in your head?

I've been a very angry and apathetic person for 2 yrs and almost 4 months now.  It's kind of odd because it's not like I've only stayed in a corner and done nothing the whole time.  In fact I've been trying very hard to return to the person that I once was and be happy and optimistic again.  Thing is I know how bad I was when I finally realized I plain just needed to leave an environment that was not good for me.  Unfortunately I didn't realize exactly how BROKEN I was when I left.  I thought it was just the environment and that I had tried to deal with it and hope for the best for too long a time, but it seems to have been more than that.  

I can get myself into a good mood and do awesomely for a short period of time, and be happy that I'm the old me again.  However, it only lasts for a short period of time.  It's been a frustrating time because I want so badly to be the person I know I can be, not the tiered, apathetic, hermit that I can easily fall into.  There was a time where I could spend a whole day with those I love doing all kinds of active things and never feel burdened, now however, only after a short bit I just want to be left alone and not be bothered.  

There was a time where I always wanted to be active and found a way to do it no matter how long it took, or bothersome it was.  Now if it seems that it will be hard I just want to not even start it.  I Have recently read some articles and blogs on certain things and come to a realization this week.   There is something fundamentally broken with in me.  I'm not sure what it is, but it has taken quite a bit from me. I no longer Trust, I no long truly care, I just do the minimum to get by, and I get frustrated by it all because it's not what I want to do.  

I recently commented about how some relationships don't do well once passed the stage of lust because the people try to keep that first stage and wont grow or evolve becoming selfish trying to get that first stage back.  At this point I think that may be my problem.  I want to grow and evolve, but also be that old me who was always up to it and eager for it.  Right now all I do is get angry with myself and escape into the internet.  There is so much that I no linger want to be but keep finding myself in that very spot.  Well now there is another blog that I have found that made me see another thing, and now I will see what I can do to utilize that wisdom. 

Part of my issue is that I have some people around me that wish to help also, but because they do not know my mind what they say and do doesn't really help at all.  In fact it just adds to the part of my mind that beats me up and tells me how bad I am.  The good thing now is that I realize that there is no going back to who I was.  That should not have been my goal in the first place.  My goal should be to move on and away from the hurt and breakage I have suffered, but have not been able to at all.   I've actually done a lot of things in my time of not working, but because my financial side suffered have let it make me feel a failure.  That's the first thing I will need to stop.  I took care of family, I went to school and now have a good job.  This job is set up to give me a much, much better balance of work and personal life than the last job, and yet I haven't made that work just yet because I'm stuck in a bad cycle.  It's now October and the Harvest New Year is 2 weeks away.  

Now is the time to reflect, and treat it as a reflection not as a judgmental tool as I have been.  I'm going to post the article and the 2 blogs that helped me realize this.  I know that two of them are about relationships with others, but what is the bond with the two parts of your thinking mind if not a relationship?  One is always on the good, uplifting side, and one is always on the bad, judgmental side. I beginning to think that in order to be balanced I need to start treating this as a relationship rather than as a battle of will.

Article

Blog

Blog

I've been a bad girl. I have let myself get way too lazy!!  I got the latest virus that was going around the place where I was volunteering last November, and then just flat out stopped going to the gym.  I really need to start working out again. I've lost all of my toning and now have gained 5 pounds all around.  I need to drop my soda habit that I picked back up while working, and get back on track with my diet.  There were too many things that happened between last November and Now that I just let get in the way and run me down.  

Now is the time to stop that and get back on track.  I'm not going to get back to my favorite place just yet.  There are other ways though and i need to use them up until I can get back to the correct place.
Why I let myself get to this point I have no Idea, but it's time to stop.   I don't want to be a zombie who feels tired all the time ever again.  Not like how I was with my last job.  TIME FOR LAZY TIME TO BE OVER!!

I know that it was 7 days ago on the 31st of July, and that makes this post 7 days late.  I actually didn't celebrate until Wednesday the 1st.  I finally had the money to rent a room at the Park Inn Radison for the water park.   I'm glad that I did, it was a lot of fun.  A couple of weeks before my cousin Theresa, her sister in-law Tanya, and I went to cliffs with all the toddlers. the idea was to spend most of the time at the water monkeys water part.  It used to be a small gym with a sallow wading pool around it and we thought they would enjoy. 

I had been hearing the advertisements about it being made bigger and a separate area for the toddlers was being made.  It turned out that there was not much for those under 45" at the new monkey's.

So on to the first,  I rented a room and got the passes for the water park and it was awesome.  A bit smaller than I expected but had quite a bit for us to do. there was a mini river to float in, a gym just like the water monkey's used to be, and  several other things. we spent a good 4 hours there and had lots of fun.  the 2 slides they have are tall and windy.  Theresa and I couldn't get up the courage to go through the one where you are just sliding by yourself, but we went down the tube riding one twice.  there was also a wave surfing machine there.  One of the McCann teens Christopher and I went on it.  Velvet recorded it for me and I will post it for you.  

if anything shows my age it has to be this. I thought I was doing pretty good until I tried to kneel then FWAP!! next thing I knew my bum was hitting the top.  I knew thw water was in my ear but didn't realize exactly how I had wiped out.  Craziness for sure.  

I've been in my position for a little bit now.  It's a bit scary how fast the time goes when your work week is only 3 days at a time. I've been in the ER Admitting for  4 weeks now, but only have worked  11 days.  It is a bit frustrating for me because I look at the length before I remind myself that I have to look at days.  When I look at the length of a month I feel that I should be much further in my comfort zone than I am, but then when I realize to look at the days I feel much better and on track.  It's been interesting that is for sure.  As I have told some of my co-workers it has been a long road to where I am now.  Much longer than I had thought it would be when I started (I'm sure I've said that many times before), but I'm grateful for it.   Talking to these guys and appreciating the environment I'm in has made me realize that I needed the time that it took.  With that time I recovered and now have an awesome work place.  Granted that odd things happen, and the patients may not always be cooperative, but it's the co-workers and supervisors that make or break a job.  Both are quite awesome.

I've even been able to get some needed things and started being social again.  Just this past Tuesday, my cousin, her toddler, my cousin in-law, and her toddler spent the morning at Cliffs. It was a lot of fun, and made me realize exactly just how badly a hermit I have been.  I was hoping to go to Denver for the week of my birthday, but that isn't going to happen.  So instead I plan to go to the Park inn and play in the water park with the ones I went to cliffs with.  Clifss was fun for the rides, but the water monkeys was mostly geared to older kids and we weren't able to get or find any good little slides for a 2 and 3 yr old.  So now we will see what the indoor water park has to offer now that I have a bit of money to check it out.

I barley went to the ACE comic con this year, and missed my trip back home to Sypher.  So next year I plan to do much better with both.  Well at least with the ball I will do better.  for ACE I will only be able to go on Friday. :-) it will still be good though.  I'm working out in my head on what and how I'm going to catch up on certain things. then will start on the funds and savings I will need to do in order to get my little house on wheels started.

I'm very grateful to be in the wonderful place I'm at right now.  It's better than I had hoped it would be, And even though I'm not going to make it to Denver when I had planned I will get there by the end of August.  I also need to go see a friend in California by the end of the year, and get a friend who is now in Mexico to come visit.  So much to do and time is going quick.  How ever I feel that the only one that will be tricky is the bringing Malibu here.  She may make me wait until next year, but I hope no longer than spring.

<3

Well here we are!!  June 30th was the official 2 yr mark for when I started this journey.  I've now got to the next level and seem to be OK with the new job.  I've put in my first 3 day training and it went well. It will be a bit before I'm completely comfortable in a few places, but I'm excited about things so far.  Got my first check from the initial training class and got my uniform polo's and 2 new pairs of shoes.   Feel awesome since I've needed new shoes for about a year.  I'm going back in for my second round of three day week, and I'm very excited.  I also feel that I'm in a good place now.  As with any place I feel that there will be no getting around situations where there is conflict with people, but now I feel that it can be, Will be resolved in a timely and proper manner.  


I'm finally in a good place mentally.  It feels really good to not be in the dark and crazy place I was when I finally decided to let go of my fear and of the awful environment that was my last job.  I'm finally ready to move further forward and put the past couple of years into practice.  So except for the friends I made, I'm not going to even think about anything before Carrington College after this point.  The next step for me is to finish adjusting to a 3 day, 12 hr work week. (these past four days I've been very tired)  Then I shall finish going through and parring down my things as I save the money to build my little house.  


I'm ready.  I've stayed with my family for a number of reasons,  and told myself that I would move on after several things changed.  It's very obvious now that those things will not change, and I just need to move forward with that in mind.  I have the plans, and have been pinning on pintrest things that catch my eye for my little Popomo home.  Soon I will start checking around for trailer's to see which I would like to purchase.   Well I guess that's all for this update.  Promise to check back again soon. :-)

Do you ever have an exchange weather it's in person or on-line that is normal between people, but then have a full moment of clarity??  Not even because of what the person said, but just because of the exchange?  Just seeing the way it goes down and not really reacting to it, but actually seeing it.  then realize how zombified you were?  That just happened to me yesterday.  It made me realize some of the reason of why it's taken me so long to get to where I am.

On June 30th it will officially be 2 yrs since I said screw you in a nice way to my last job where I was in the worst mental state ever, and fast getting sick.  Even though I had gone to a personal trainer and was in the best physical shape I had ever been in didn't help so much.  Well I shouldn't say it didn't help. It did in fact help a bit.  It made me realize how crazy the environment I was in, and gave me the courage to say adios.

I had hoped to find a better environment after going on a trip I had planned way in advance. I had unwound a bit and hoped to hit the ground running which did not happen.  Many other things did instead, and now after those things, and even school.  Some of my environment is still not in good order, but I FEEL much better. In fact today I started training for a new job that as I did all the different interviews and things for seemed to be just what I want.

The schedule is interesting and will take some getting used to, but promises to give an excellent work/personal life ratio.  Once I get settled in one of my first goals is to reconnect with friends that I have dropped away from.  In fact I ran into one(Jenn) just this weekend at the ACE Comic Expo. It's going to be a good end of the year. I plan on getting several goals that I could not do because of lack of funds done. After all I'll have 3 to 4 days to get them done.

I'll write another check up in about two weeks after I'm done with my training class to let you know how things are going. until then i hope for a good summer for everyone.

Well after I used up the last of my hours for my second Externship. I decided to stay on over at RCA for three days a week to keep gaining some experience under my belt as I do a job search.
On my first Tuesday off ,about three months ago, I decided to go to the Library to see if they had a certain book that I could try and borrow to study for my second go at the CPC test.  The library didn't have the book. So I went to go look in my favorite areas to see what they did have that the brick and mortar book stores here do not.
I found this book.




When I picked it up form the shelf I thought 'Hmm that is an interesting title'.  I have had a few issues since about September where I felt I wasn't doing quite as well as I should, but couldn't put it down to much more than that I had other things that caught my attention or felt to tired.  then I started to read the book and it grabbed my attention with in the first chapter, and I knew that this was part of my issue.  I stayed at the Library for as long as I could reading about 50 pages, and deciding that this is a book that I need to own.  So I went to Barnes and Noble, Page One and Hastings, but couldn't find it any where.  I ended up buying it off of Amazon and waiting a week for it.


The concept of certain things hit so close to home that it really scares me, but it speaks to me and clicks in my mind the way no book has for a decade. The book that Click like this back then is one that I share with friends who need help in seeing that what they see is not always as wrong as others. My so called 'Pay if forward book', and it has actually helped a few people as far as I know.

The last book to speak to me in this way was this one.

This book however is helping me realize that I really let myself get trodden over in the last few years, and has ways to help me.  I've been trying for the past couple of years( as of the end of June.) to recover from my rut and Just be my full self again full time and Not just every so often, but haven't been very successful by my self and there are a few quotes from this book that have helped me see why.


Here are a few of them.
"People try to protect themselves against feeling bad by not feeling too good."   I do this now.


"Misery Addicts tend to give themselves less than what they need." 


"Misery Addict's are addicted to the system they have devised to protect themselves from unbearable disappointment."  the went into further detail of avoidance, which is something I have use largely in the past 5 years. 


"The Misery Addict absolutely must use support to make it. Yet all their instincts warn them against revealing themselves to others."


"If we continue to try to control something that can't be controlled, we keep ourselves stuck in our addiction to Misery."


These quotes Have helped me to stop and think and see certain patterns that I have been going through.  As a result I have been striving to not fall back into the lines that I have used for way too long.  Already it has helped me greatly.  I think that especially with the way we are all stuck in thinking because of the economy, this book should be read by more of us.  So please go find a copy somewhere and read at least the first half.  Maybe it will help you too. 

Well Spring has come, and I still am on the job hunt.  I'm not sure why I keep subtly sabotaging myself, but hopefully it will stop soon.  I just keep wither halfway through decide I do not like the person at the interview, or I let the timed tests scare me and proceed to not do well with them.  There is a bit of whispering in my head that I shouldn't be to upset because I will find my place soon.  It's just frustrating because I had hoped to have a job by now so that I could be back on the road to independence.

I will need to change my plans around some though.  I had hoped to have the money to buy the plans for the Fencl by now so that I could begin to pull together the stuff I would need to build it.  That has not happened.  How ever last summer around my birthday the plans for the Popomo were on sale for Ten dollars and I decided to purchase them to see what the plans wold look like.  I also thought that perhaps my parents would want to look at it and make one.  After all my dad is a very good handy man who builds things just from a small idea in his head all the time.  Plans should be a piece of cake for him.  However at this point in time I think that I may just build the Popomo, and If later on I still would like a Fencl I could always do so.  I'm going to start by checking out trailers in the size that the plan has and decide what kind I want.  Then I will look at the windows. I want some bigger ones on the ends and one in the bathroom.  Hopefully I can set to have it started by fall.  As of right now I'm finally starting to sort through my stuff and decide what I would take with me into the small home and what I can finally let go.

After all I still need to get Malibu out here from San Francisco.  After what happened around Christmas, and now her finishing her third fight.  I've come to realize that if she is going to come and visit me, even just once, I need to bring her out here myself.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  unfortunately she is being a bit of a brat about it. I can't blame her about it though, Just because you have to slowdown and even at times stop for health doesn't mean that the rest of the world is going to as well.

I've begun a new book, and read the first half at least three times. I will be writing a review on it because it is quite scary in the way that it's talking to me.  I will take the time this week that I'm not able to sort through my stuff and finish the second half of it.

So Just yesterday I told my Friend Velvet about this dream I've had.  I remember it very clearly, but didn't get to finish it because the dog woke me up barking at kids in the back yard.  I also have some very strong feelings about what it meant, but it scares me just a bit.  Velvet had some good feelings about it as well and she was even smiling by the time I finished, even though I was Slipping tears because it's meaning tears me in two.  After I went to see my friend this month, a place from my childhood began to call to me again.  Now after the dream on Wednesday morning it's been calling louder.  I'm beginning to wonder if the I'm in a slump in my job search is because I may be looking in the wrong place.

So here is the Dream.  For some odd reason I go to the front yard and notice one of my childhood neighbors is a real estate agent a couple of houses down.  Her younger brother is their too.  I go down to say hi to them and they decide to show me the house.  As we enter the house the floor plan changes and I actually like it a lot.  I start to wish that I had the means to purchase the house because I do like it, and there are only minor things wrong that I know can be fixed.  The brother makes the comment to me that it was a good thing they saved the house for me.  The statement confuses me because I know that I can't buy the house.  A few seconds later the Real estate one comes up and congratulates me,  Making me even more confused.  Then I hear a male voice from behind asking when I will be moving in, and arms wrap around me.  I look down at the arms and look up back to my family house and state that I will go up and pack my stuff.  Then I hear the voice from the next room telling me that I don't need to go and do that.  I insist as I turn around and see part of a back and legs in a business suit as the man goes to the bedrooms.  I turn to go out the front door and he states to me again that I don't need anything from my family home.  That all I need is already in the new house, and that if it isn't that we can buy it.  One more time I look out a side window and look up the road.  Having second thoughts about not packing anything from there.  The man comes behind me again and states his case again as I lean into him.  Then just as I'm going to agree, but have more to say.  The dog started barking at kids in the next yard and woke me up.

As stated before I have a pretty clear idea of what this meant, but I just wanted to share.  What kind of crazy dream have any of you guys had?

I am a crazy person at times I can't deny.  I'm a good girl, yes I am.  Except as of late. For some reason i can't seem to get past the minimum of things. I've been letting things get me down, and I've been worrying way to much about worries that aren't even mine.  It's a bad process I've been doing since I quit my job at Sandia resort and Casino.  I'm not sure why I let it grip me, but I can't seem to totally get rid of it.  It slipped in and ate at me slowly and now I seem to get a couple of weeks or days at a time where I can drop it and do what needs to be done.  Then I just go right back to the crazy part of worrying until I'm to tired or sick.  I do my applications for jobs on the computer, but I'm obviously not doing enough.

So I've decided I just need to put myself into the travel state of mind.  I like how I am when in this state of mind.  It's easy for me to not take insult easily, It's easier for me to be excited and ready for the day, and I tend to put myself in the moment of what is going on.  As a result of the last one I tend to see things differently and bit more detail than others think.  In fact I think that I've always seen things differently, may account for all the teasing and bulling when growing up.  Just never had the same interests as everyone else.

Even my friend Malibu and I were talking about the different details we notice.  Like her hating my white bra with a blue shirt.  I myself could have cared less, but wanted comfy shoes.  Right now though i seem to see or have no details what so ever. Just days, animals and people.  none of which I'm able to keep the best of relationships with.  I can't pinpoint what is wrong now, but I think that with this mind set change I could at least fix quite a few things.  It will take a few days, but I will get it done. Then we shall see what is next.  Positive that the Universe is talking to me.  Just can't seem to hear it right this minute.  With luck, this mind set change will help.

Well today I think that I may have finally gotten used to home again.  I got back on Thursday, but lets face it.  I was in the Bay Area for four days and by the second day my skin and sinuses were singing a happy song to the humidity.  It's not as much as in Florida, but California has more humidity than New Mexico that's for sure. 

I had to go spend some time with Malibu, just had too. Couldn't let more time slip by.

The end of this past year was way to crazy.  The last month seemed to be filled with everything coming to a head.  Kind of like everyone spent to much time ignoring something and it everyone all around the same time.  My parents had to do a quick run and turn around to Dallas to get the JEEP from my sister that was wrecked on Christmas day, Malibu had an issue, and so did several others.  It was hard for me with those who live far away. So on Jan 9th through Jan 12th I went to see one who is important to me, but lives far away.  I even got excited because I found out it's only a 2hr and 40min flight if I go into Oakland instead of San Francisco International.  So here are a few Pics from the trip.  I hope you enjoy them. 

Malibu Fried hanging ten at the Bulb.

Malibu Cunningham falling in love with a shop that is a hybrid of 'Stomps and threads', and 'Hot Topic' when it was worth spending money at.

The Bart was kinda cool. Bit confusing though when headed for the airport.

This was an awesome Sea Witch that someone made down at Albany Bulb.

Happy New Year!!!  I'm so very excited for this year because it feels like it will be my year. 2011 was a year of preparation, and others.  This year I feel inside that the goals I've been heading towards are getting done.  I have some small goals I hope to accomplish this year and I have some larger goals I hope will get if not half done, Than perhaps a third done this year.  The trick will be to keep going on them instead of letting things distract. 


This year will be a good year, and I can't wait to start it with a good intention rite.  I like to do one at the start of the year.  It helps a great deal to do my News years Resolutions this way.  I have spent a good part of today sorting through the thoughts in my head to decide which of all the resolutions I have will be the main important ones for this year.  I suppose I should do a reflective look at some point before the New week is done, but for now I thought I would just blurb. With a wish of A HAPPY NEW YEAR for everyone.  




5 things I'm grateful for today.........
1. It's a new year and time for a new faze in life.
2. I saw Family I haven't seen in 10yrs this week.
3. I get to see some of my neighbor's personal history on Friday at a telephone museum.
4. I've said it before and it's gone the opposite way, but this year is my year!!
5. I WILL get my things sorted and simplify this winter.