Allways just 2 b me!!!!!

Hello, I'm sorry that this year has not been a good one.  For me or for adventures. If you look at my rants from this year, which came at my most frustrated and restless points, you'll see what I mean. Roberta passed away very quietly on Christmas night. Right after the main bulk of our family left the house around 5 pm.  I went in to turn down her space heater we had on while the main house one was turned off, and to turn on her bathroom light that she liked to have on during the night.  She looked normal until I spoke to her. I think I had  come if not right after, then a few minutes after.  The hospice and morgue came to get her with in a half an hour.  

I'm quite relieved that her suffering is over.  It really bothered me that quite a bit of it was self afflicted until she pushed her dementia and Alzheimer's into the forefront.  Then there was no turning back.  

So now we are on to a new year. I plan to finish what I had started in the first two weeks of this year.  I also plan to get back onto my proper eating which I lost due to stress.  I had begun going through my things and getting rid of what I don't need or didn't use.  I now have more stuff to do that with seeing as I got things while living in Roberta's house during my days off.  I am a bit bugged as this year I have lost a day off in order to get it done quickly.  

My schedule at work was changed. I no longer have 3 12hr days. I now work 4 9 1/2hr days which feel like 4 12 hr days.  I'm not really fond of it.  I'm hoping that a three day shift will come up at some point that I can get. Part time is not in the cards for me at this time even though that was the latest three day to open.  

I was also bad with my spending.  I had told myself I would save money this year in order to start on my little house I wish to do.  Frustration, boredom, and access to Amazon were not a good combination for me this year.  In the end I learned A LOT of things about myself and my environment. 

I have a couple of trips planned for this year. One in Feb and my annual one for Cali.  I'm planning on taking my cousin with me for a graduation present.  we have a lot of the same interests, but don't get to see each other often.  I thought it would be fun, and I'm not sure that my normal traveling companion will be coming.  Other than that I'm glad to finally not be relying on someone who is nothing but unreliable, and have my freedom to do what I need to.  

I've been a bit jealous of everyone who had a good year when I was stuck in a holding pattern, but that is something I'm letting go tonite. 2013 ended up being something completely different form what I had set out to do.  

2014 however,  I feel that this one will be my year.  The year I had meant for this year to be.  

Well, this year started out good, and this was from the harvest new year.  From November 1st until January 9th I was doing very well. I was confident in my job after several months of training and learning, I had adjusted to the schedule and was excited about what 2013 would hold.  I had lots of things planned, lots of things, including travel.  

Then over the weekend of January  4th, Bob the neighbor next door got sick and Dad tried to take him to the ER.  He skipped and instead said he made a Dr's visit for the 9th.  I got volunteered to go and take him. That morning I ended up calling 911, and he was gone by the time Roberta and I got to the hospital an hour later. After that it turned in to the most unproductive year ever.  All I've done is stay with Roberta for my four days off.  She has not even tried to get better.  She has tried to make it her time to go instead of enjoying what time she has left.  She has made the Dementia and Alzheimer's worse much quicker by refusing to do anything other than sleep.  She keeps telling us that her time in this world is limited, but refuses to do anything but wait for it.  This has been by far the worst thing I've ever been witness to.  

I got one trip in which was my annual trip for the Masquerade Ball In July.  That was a good and long trip, but not enjoyed as well as usual.  For starters I slept through 85% of it.  Good thing the little postage stamped hotel had comfy beds.  I didn't get out of the hotel until at least 10am, and except for two days I was back by 4pm.  It happened as soon as I got into the hotel room in Los Angeles.  The train trip was nice. I purposely took the train so that I could change my mind frame over the 14hrs it took to get there. 
The Train journey was.......interesting due to a couple of people.  Then when I got my Toyota from enterprise I decided to see if my room might be ready.  It is a small hotel so it wasn't and I went to go get the things I saved to get when I got there.  Then when I got to check in at 2pm, I went strait to a shower and bed.  Didn't even get dinner. It just seemed that the instant I didn't have to stress or worry my body decided it was time to sleep and recoup. 

However on the nights of the ball, I stayed out until 3am Friday, and 2am on Saturday.  Then on Sunday I took my friend who had stayed with me to his car so that he could go to a family party. I promptly went a bit further down the street to get snacks and gas for Monday's trip and went back to the hotel.  Yep, I spent a whole day at the Hotel just watching TV and lounging in bed.  It was awesome!! Then I went to the beach on Monday for a few hours. 

I was mad at this because in all actuality I had a lot more stuff I wanted to do, but only did the big major planned stuff for the trip.  In fact even during the Ball, a place where I usually get lost and enjoy a magnificent kingdom, I was disconnected and didn't enjoy it as much as I would've.  It seemed to stem all from the want of my mind and body to rejuvenate through sleep.  I got the feeling that if I had just stayed in the hotel the whole week my mind and body would've been very happy. 

In all truth, this is probably the first year where the thought of staying and being homeless for a bit didn't seem like a joke.  When it came time to go to the train home.  I very seriously thought about just staying, much more than ever before.  I came home and nothing had changed on the 85 yr old with Dementia and Alzheimer's front.  In fact right now she is holding me captive and complaining about pains that should be gone due to the meds I've given her.  She is in nothing but a depressed state, and she says she doesn't want to be a burden.  However she purposely does all she can to make it seem she is getting her way, by being contradictory and agressive. 

It's past time to put her in a facility.  She never knows who I am, and takes an hour to recognize my Dad.  However her son didn't leave her in a good position. In order to get into a facility we need to get her out from under this mortgage he took out on the house under both their names.  That has been a whole other issue by itself.  I just don't understand the finance world.  It always has to make things so complicated and constatnly sayd you just don't quite make it. 

This whole year from February till now has done nothing but make me feel ill.  My body can stay very healthy as long as I can get proper rest.  My numbers from a check up at work even said that except for my weight gain of 15 pounds, every thing is still good.  How ever for 4 nights a week I average anywhere from 1 to 3 1/2 hours of sleep, and that has not been good on my mental health at all. Roberta seems to be fighting and resolving all her demons during the night.  It ranges from mumbled talk to full out screaming matches in her sleep.  Once in a while we get a week where she sleeps through the night.  I will not be able to do this for another year.

We need to find a proper facility for her. One where we can go visit, but the 24 hr care is not ours. I will be able to handle that, but no more of this limbo stuff.  I had hope to have my trailer for my house and maybe some framing done by now.  I've done nothing but retail therapy and sit in a house bored out of my mind.  It bugs me that 3 yrs after leaving a job that messed with me just like this, I'm right back where I started.  This year was way to unproductive. 

This next Harvest Year that is really going to change. On Oct. 31st some things are going to be looked at and changes made.  Some forced like my work schedule by work. Others done for spiritual and mental health. 

This is insane. Bob really screwed everyone over.  I don't know if it's that he just didn't care, or if he just really was clueless.  My family seems to think that he didn't care and had hoped to out live Roberta. 

So instead of keeping things on a level pace and leaving certain things alone he spent ALL her money and put her in debt with a new mortgage and credit cards.  The worst part is that it's looking more and more that it all went towards gambling more than it did medical. 

At this point Roberta has had a dementia fit and not slept since 41 hrs ago.  I got some sleep because My mom stayed over last night, however she waited until mom tried to get some sleep and finally fell.  she has some scratches on her arm. some bandaged and some not.  

This is getting to be way to much. I can see why the people of old used to think that people with dementia were possessed.  At times it's as if Roberta has split or multiple personalities.  I'm getting tiered of having a lot of down time in which I can't get anything done.  Hell right now I'm typing and watching her work very hard at not sleeping and being upset that her body is sleeping due to valium. 

I keep hoping that she will just finally decide to take a nap.  I have most of my costume cut, and half fray blocked. I should start sewing, but anytime I actually start a project is when she gets at her worst.  also the time when she isn't bad that she wants attention via fighting.  

Seriously I feel that she thinks that fighting is a sport. She is good with my mom and my dad, but every time she only wants to insult me and make sure I know how stupid I am.  She is deteriorating fast and we haven't been able to fix much of the crap.  My mom wants me to buy her house so that she is no longer under a mortgage.  I really don't want a house.  She is pushing it as an investment, but I don't really want a house.  I want the small house that I want to build.  

I should have more money saved up.  I should be using my tax return to put more money towards that goal, however, in my depression and frustration I have turned to retail therapy and have to fix my own new debt.  Now that I'm trying to not buy, I'm starting to stress eat.  It's very hard to stay balanced when you have someone who won't let you sleep for 4 out of 7 nights a week.

This is getting to be too much.  I used to wonder why people would be so quick to put loved ones in a home, but there will come a day where we will have too because at this time she has no concern for even her own safety. 

Well my animals are upset and claiming neglect.  Roberta will claim neglect no matter what, Especially when the weather is bad. She takes great joy in being contradictory and abstinent, weather she is in a glassy eyed dementia state or not.  Most of the arguments had she starts just because.

I've learned several things during these 4 months.  The big ones being that I no longer wish to overload my mind with useless stuff, neither do i want to hang on to anger or resentment.  The amount of bitterness that Roberta will exhibit is insane.  Bitterness is not what I want at her age.

It is something that I have had over the past 3 yrs.  Something that is still remnant from my days in PBX at Sandia.  I've tried to let time heal it, but it sticks like no other.  It doesn't help that there are many people and situations that push for the bitterness to stay.  Such as this one with Roberta.

I haven't been this depressed or frustrated in 4 yrs.  mostly it's from the lack of sleep while being with Roberta, and then the stress of 12 hr shifts for my 3 days that I'm working.  I have two months to get a costume that I want to make done, but haven't been able to seriously start it.

In fact, there are many projects that I had in the works revolving around my resolutions that have gone to the way side.  I hope to fix that soon. I've been asking for y family to get a caretaker to come in on Friday's so that I can have a day to do things.  however my mom has decided that means that she will stay over night a couple of more nights and not run away as late when she works. 

That has help a bit, but not in the way that I need.  I still have no transition time from one great big stress to the other, and it's affecting me at work.  12 hr days are a stress, this full time care is a stress.  I've had a very small amount of time to calm and chill.  It's affecting my sleep and health.  Not a good thing I know.   

I fell that I know what my big lesson is, and I'm starting to look at what I will need to do in order to put it into effect.  Infact I fully intend to not stay with my family anymore.  I'll let you in on more in awhile. 

Holy crap, the past three weeks have been real shit.  Roberta has not been even trying to get better.  We also missed a second issue while trying to take care of her pain from her fall at the beginning of last month.  The others are telling me that UTI's do cause high agitation, but Roberta seems to have just had nothing but agitation since Bob's passing.

She even was really crappy to the people in the Rehab center that took her in from the hospital to get her stronger.  I've caught myself being so caught up in the frustration enough that I was wanting to hit her back.  So now anyway she is in hospice, and I'm feeling like crap.  I even had a full blown Migraine yesterday.  I haven't had one of those in close to a decade.  I think that most of my frustration with this is not having the support that I need.

Mom was supposed to have more time to help with this new job of hers.  Instead she is still throwing he hours everywhere, and not coming home when she says she will.  She either tacks hours from work or just plain takes off some where else and doesn't come to help.   I'm here the most and get the least help.  It's really starting to take a strain on me.

Next week I'm going up to Denver to stay a night with Desi, and see the Repo!/The devil's carnival double feature with her.  Then we will both be coming back on the 22nd.   Will make a post and take lots of pics.

So it's now officially been six days since Bob passed away on Roberta and us.  The only one who seemed to see it as an extreme possibility was my dad.  The rest of us got sideswiped by the incedant. As far as I knew he had just the Flu or maybe Pneumonia.  I was supposed to take him to his 3 pm Doctors meeting on Wednesday, January the 9th, not calling an ambulance and adopting a 85 yr old third grandmother.  

That is what has happened though.  Bob got too sick and didn't a whole lot with it.  He Semi tried on Sunday when he asked my dad to take him to the VA to see a Doctor, but when they told him that none of the regular doctors where there to see patients he went home instead of to the ER room like he should have.  I don't know why he was being so stubborn, but it continued up until Tuesday night when My dad was trying to talk him into getting in one of our cars so the dad could take him to the ER. 

So know we are going paperwork and making steps to keep Roberta in her home.  I was with her on Wed. and Thurs. nights last week, and mom  was with her on Fri., Sat., and Sun nights.  I took back over on Mon. and will go until Fri. again.  I'll need to go home so that I can sleep for work on Sat.  hopefully today we can get all the legal things we need to help Roberta and keep her home so that she doesn't have anymore upsets.  She has seemed to come to terms of her three males now being gone, but we still don't want to leave her alone. 

I'm very grateful to our neighbors George and Barbara.  From the time I had to have George come over to help have Bob stop arguing with me about calling an ambulance, to helping with going through things, and watching Roberta when we can't.  They have helped a GREAT deal.   Things are slowly coming together, but it's been hard since we can't find any official paper work and had to take extra steps to find things.   Things like what the cemetery is, what the funeral home is, and what the bills are. 

This was all stuff already laid out by previous family that had passed.  So this one has been a very educational experience   I've put my beneficiaries for my life insurance down.  Also going to be sure that it is always there so the whom ever needs will have money for a casket or for the fires.  It's all extremely expensive.   I'm also going to buy a little safe to put my list of current bills and debt into for just in case. 

I'll write again when things are more concrete. 

Well here it is......January 1st 2013.    A whole new year in the regular calender.  I've spent since the Lunar new year trying to decide on some really good Resolutions.   I know 2 months is a long time isn't it?  The good ones take time.  So after a rough day at work, and not making it to midnight last night, I'm getting my intents ready for the New Years rite to do before the end of the week.   Which I'm going to have these three working resolutions in.  As well as some intents for during the year to happen.  All but one from last year seems to have manifested.  I'm quite happy about that.   So here are my resolutions which are working intents. 

Pick up my Fitness Lifestyle again,  During this year because of many different reasons I've let the Fitness lifestyle that I developed over the past 3 yrs to slip.  I've lost the build up I made and gained 10 pounds.  This year I'm going to fix that.  Especially now that I have mostly caught up on my back log of things that developed during my time in school. I should be able to grocery shop for myself now and get back on track.   The Social worker at the ER told me about this place http://www.skarsgardfarms.com/   They deliver from a near by year round farmers.  So I can have good groceries delivered every Friday with out having to fight people in the store.  It also looks about the same of what I would spend at sprouts of Trader Joes every week. 

Stop depriving myself both physically and mentally, This one I've been very bad about over this and last year.  Most was due to funds, some to tiredness  and some to lack of motivation to do more than what I just need to do.  I've gotten myself stuck in a 'I can't do this because of _____' mode.  I don't like that.  I end up just staying at home, forgoing the product that makes me feel better, or skipping the activity i want to do the most because of it.   This year I'm going to work at find ways to do what I want to do most.  Even if it means driving somewhere with $60.00 in my pocket and sleeping in my car at the Wal-Mart there.  Missing a couple of things I really wanted to do because of not having the funds really took a toll on my internal well being.  The disappointment was a heavy weight. 

Give in to my inner creative child more,  This one has happened do to perceived sacrifice.  You know all the things and people that tell you to be a different person and way 'Just to be an adult'.  Well I fell into that trap too.  So now since I plan not to deprive. I'm going to use this resolution to help in achieving the second one.  I always have ideas and storied in my head, but always to tiered to even try them.  Then  feel guilty or angry that I decided not to do it.  So I aim to stop doing and listening to the comparison monster and do what I internally want to do. 

So with this day being the title of this song for a New Year.  this is what my main daily goals are to help with the larger goals.