Allways just 2 b me!!!!!

Well after I used up the last of my hours for my second Externship. I decided to stay on over at RCA for three days a week to keep gaining some experience under my belt as I do a job search.
On my first Tuesday off ,about three months ago, I decided to go to the Library to see if they had a certain book that I could try and borrow to study for my second go at the CPC test.  The library didn't have the book. So I went to go look in my favorite areas to see what they did have that the brick and mortar book stores here do not.
I found this book.




When I picked it up form the shelf I thought 'Hmm that is an interesting title'.  I have had a few issues since about September where I felt I wasn't doing quite as well as I should, but couldn't put it down to much more than that I had other things that caught my attention or felt to tired.  then I started to read the book and it grabbed my attention with in the first chapter, and I knew that this was part of my issue.  I stayed at the Library for as long as I could reading about 50 pages, and deciding that this is a book that I need to own.  So I went to Barnes and Noble, Page One and Hastings, but couldn't find it any where.  I ended up buying it off of Amazon and waiting a week for it.


The concept of certain things hit so close to home that it really scares me, but it speaks to me and clicks in my mind the way no book has for a decade. The book that Click like this back then is one that I share with friends who need help in seeing that what they see is not always as wrong as others. My so called 'Pay if forward book', and it has actually helped a few people as far as I know.

The last book to speak to me in this way was this one.

This book however is helping me realize that I really let myself get trodden over in the last few years, and has ways to help me.  I've been trying for the past couple of years( as of the end of June.) to recover from my rut and Just be my full self again full time and Not just every so often, but haven't been very successful by my self and there are a few quotes from this book that have helped me see why.


Here are a few of them.
"People try to protect themselves against feeling bad by not feeling too good."   I do this now.


"Misery Addicts tend to give themselves less than what they need." 


"Misery Addict's are addicted to the system they have devised to protect themselves from unbearable disappointment."  the went into further detail of avoidance, which is something I have use largely in the past 5 years. 


"The Misery Addict absolutely must use support to make it. Yet all their instincts warn them against revealing themselves to others."


"If we continue to try to control something that can't be controlled, we keep ourselves stuck in our addiction to Misery."


These quotes Have helped me to stop and think and see certain patterns that I have been going through.  As a result I have been striving to not fall back into the lines that I have used for way too long.  Already it has helped me greatly.  I think that especially with the way we are all stuck in thinking because of the economy, this book should be read by more of us.  So please go find a copy somewhere and read at least the first half.  Maybe it will help you too. 

Well Spring has come, and I still am on the job hunt.  I'm not sure why I keep subtly sabotaging myself, but hopefully it will stop soon.  I just keep wither halfway through decide I do not like the person at the interview, or I let the timed tests scare me and proceed to not do well with them.  There is a bit of whispering in my head that I shouldn't be to upset because I will find my place soon.  It's just frustrating because I had hoped to have a job by now so that I could be back on the road to independence.

I will need to change my plans around some though.  I had hoped to have the money to buy the plans for the Fencl by now so that I could begin to pull together the stuff I would need to build it.  That has not happened.  How ever last summer around my birthday the plans for the Popomo were on sale for Ten dollars and I decided to purchase them to see what the plans wold look like.  I also thought that perhaps my parents would want to look at it and make one.  After all my dad is a very good handy man who builds things just from a small idea in his head all the time.  Plans should be a piece of cake for him.  However at this point in time I think that I may just build the Popomo, and If later on I still would like a Fencl I could always do so.  I'm going to start by checking out trailers in the size that the plan has and decide what kind I want.  Then I will look at the windows. I want some bigger ones on the ends and one in the bathroom.  Hopefully I can set to have it started by fall.  As of right now I'm finally starting to sort through my stuff and decide what I would take with me into the small home and what I can finally let go.

After all I still need to get Malibu out here from San Francisco.  After what happened around Christmas, and now her finishing her third fight.  I've come to realize that if she is going to come and visit me, even just once, I need to bring her out here myself.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  unfortunately she is being a bit of a brat about it. I can't blame her about it though, Just because you have to slowdown and even at times stop for health doesn't mean that the rest of the world is going to as well.

I've begun a new book, and read the first half at least three times. I will be writing a review on it because it is quite scary in the way that it's talking to me.  I will take the time this week that I'm not able to sort through my stuff and finish the second half of it.

So Just yesterday I told my Friend Velvet about this dream I've had.  I remember it very clearly, but didn't get to finish it because the dog woke me up barking at kids in the back yard.  I also have some very strong feelings about what it meant, but it scares me just a bit.  Velvet had some good feelings about it as well and she was even smiling by the time I finished, even though I was Slipping tears because it's meaning tears me in two.  After I went to see my friend this month, a place from my childhood began to call to me again.  Now after the dream on Wednesday morning it's been calling louder.  I'm beginning to wonder if the I'm in a slump in my job search is because I may be looking in the wrong place.

So here is the Dream.  For some odd reason I go to the front yard and notice one of my childhood neighbors is a real estate agent a couple of houses down.  Her younger brother is their too.  I go down to say hi to them and they decide to show me the house.  As we enter the house the floor plan changes and I actually like it a lot.  I start to wish that I had the means to purchase the house because I do like it, and there are only minor things wrong that I know can be fixed.  The brother makes the comment to me that it was a good thing they saved the house for me.  The statement confuses me because I know that I can't buy the house.  A few seconds later the Real estate one comes up and congratulates me,  Making me even more confused.  Then I hear a male voice from behind asking when I will be moving in, and arms wrap around me.  I look down at the arms and look up back to my family house and state that I will go up and pack my stuff.  Then I hear the voice from the next room telling me that I don't need to go and do that.  I insist as I turn around and see part of a back and legs in a business suit as the man goes to the bedrooms.  I turn to go out the front door and he states to me again that I don't need anything from my family home.  That all I need is already in the new house, and that if it isn't that we can buy it.  One more time I look out a side window and look up the road.  Having second thoughts about not packing anything from there.  The man comes behind me again and states his case again as I lean into him.  Then just as I'm going to agree, but have more to say.  The dog started barking at kids in the next yard and woke me up.

As stated before I have a pretty clear idea of what this meant, but I just wanted to share.  What kind of crazy dream have any of you guys had?

I am a crazy person at times I can't deny.  I'm a good girl, yes I am.  Except as of late. For some reason i can't seem to get past the minimum of things. I've been letting things get me down, and I've been worrying way to much about worries that aren't even mine.  It's a bad process I've been doing since I quit my job at Sandia resort and Casino.  I'm not sure why I let it grip me, but I can't seem to totally get rid of it.  It slipped in and ate at me slowly and now I seem to get a couple of weeks or days at a time where I can drop it and do what needs to be done.  Then I just go right back to the crazy part of worrying until I'm to tired or sick.  I do my applications for jobs on the computer, but I'm obviously not doing enough.

So I've decided I just need to put myself into the travel state of mind.  I like how I am when in this state of mind.  It's easy for me to not take insult easily, It's easier for me to be excited and ready for the day, and I tend to put myself in the moment of what is going on.  As a result of the last one I tend to see things differently and bit more detail than others think.  In fact I think that I've always seen things differently, may account for all the teasing and bulling when growing up.  Just never had the same interests as everyone else.

Even my friend Malibu and I were talking about the different details we notice.  Like her hating my white bra with a blue shirt.  I myself could have cared less, but wanted comfy shoes.  Right now though i seem to see or have no details what so ever. Just days, animals and people.  none of which I'm able to keep the best of relationships with.  I can't pinpoint what is wrong now, but I think that with this mind set change I could at least fix quite a few things.  It will take a few days, but I will get it done. Then we shall see what is next.  Positive that the Universe is talking to me.  Just can't seem to hear it right this minute.  With luck, this mind set change will help.

Well today I think that I may have finally gotten used to home again.  I got back on Thursday, but lets face it.  I was in the Bay Area for four days and by the second day my skin and sinuses were singing a happy song to the humidity.  It's not as much as in Florida, but California has more humidity than New Mexico that's for sure. 

I had to go spend some time with Malibu, just had too. Couldn't let more time slip by.

The end of this past year was way to crazy.  The last month seemed to be filled with everything coming to a head.  Kind of like everyone spent to much time ignoring something and it everyone all around the same time.  My parents had to do a quick run and turn around to Dallas to get the JEEP from my sister that was wrecked on Christmas day, Malibu had an issue, and so did several others.  It was hard for me with those who live far away. So on Jan 9th through Jan 12th I went to see one who is important to me, but lives far away.  I even got excited because I found out it's only a 2hr and 40min flight if I go into Oakland instead of San Francisco International.  So here are a few Pics from the trip.  I hope you enjoy them. 

Malibu Fried hanging ten at the Bulb.

Malibu Cunningham falling in love with a shop that is a hybrid of 'Stomps and threads', and 'Hot Topic' when it was worth spending money at.

The Bart was kinda cool. Bit confusing though when headed for the airport.

This was an awesome Sea Witch that someone made down at Albany Bulb.