Mal.
Wow. It's really been awhile since I've posted hasn't it? sorry for those who like updates.
Not much has really been going on this year. I started the year stressed and confident because we had switched to a new computer system at work and everyone was working on getting into a grove. Then in February I took and overnight trip to New York city to see if I would want to take a longer trip via the new Jetblue flights. It was nice. The plane landed at 5:30am and the Subway was easy to find from JFK airport. I was in the city and found my hotel by 7am. My hotel didn't have any left over rooms, so I went north two blocks to Central park to check out all the snow they had received over the two days before my arrival.
It was very cold and very awesome. I went back down to find breakfast near my hotel and a drugstore to get gloves and a hat. I left them at home on the table heh.
I wondered through the whole southern half of the park seeing the playgrounds, the skating rink, the zoo, and an area of the park which had big broad paths with band shells and busts of famous scholars and past figures.
I had to walk around the east side of the park because I came out around 85th street, and went to the hotel around 4pm. My legs hurt very badly and I couldn't talk myself into going out anymore.
The next morning when I got up around 8am it was snowing outside again. I got ready and about 10am an hour before check out it stopped. I decided to walk south to Times square and then went to grand central station, and the empire state building.
New york was a bit like the first time i went walking in San Francisco by myself.
Very large with no way for me to fully find directions, but for some of the street signs and Google maps on my phone. It was great fun, and to top it off since it was so cold and President's weekend, the city was not supper busy. I got to walk around and see a lot of wonderful buildings and parks without too many people around me.
Then this summer I did my usual pilgrimage to LOJ. This year I took my cousin Meghan with me for a graduation present. She has turned 18 and is now out of high school. I still remember when she was in NICU and itty bitty like it was just a few years ago. We did all the things, except a few closed shops, that I love to do in Los Angeles. This was her first trip without any of her parents. So I was determined to make it memorable. Sunburns from the beach included.
We took the train out and back. It was 2 and a half hours late picking us up because of something up the tracks, but made it up a bit overnight and we were only one hour late pulling into Union Station in downtown L.A. Then we were an hour early coming back home.
In between not much but work sleep and stress happened. Well except for a person of interest whom had time taken up by school and work. hopefully soon we will get to at least getting to know each other better soon, when schooling is over.
I shall try and see about updating more in the future. :-)
Mal.
Hello, I'm sorry that this year has not been a good one. For me or for adventures. If you look at my rants from this year, which came at my most frustrated and restless points, you'll see what I mean. Roberta passed away very quietly on Christmas night. Right after the main bulk of our family left the house around 5 pm. I went in to turn down her space heater we had on while the main house one was turned off, and to turn on her bathroom light that she liked to have on during the night. She looked normal until I spoke to her. I think I had come if not right after, then a few minutes after. The hospice and morgue came to get her with in a half an hour.
I'm quite relieved that her suffering is over. It really bothered me that quite a bit of it was self afflicted until she pushed her dementia and Alzheimer's into the forefront. Then there was no turning back.
So now we are on to a new year. I plan to finish what I had started in the first two weeks of this year. I also plan to get back onto my proper eating which I lost due to stress. I had begun going through my things and getting rid of what I don't need or didn't use. I now have more stuff to do that with seeing as I got things while living in Roberta's house during my days off. I am a bit bugged as this year I have lost a day off in order to get it done quickly.
My schedule at work was changed. I no longer have 3 12hr days. I now work 4 9 1/2hr days which feel like 4 12 hr days. I'm not really fond of it. I'm hoping that a three day shift will come up at some point that I can get. Part time is not in the cards for me at this time even though that was the latest three day to open.
I was also bad with my spending. I had told myself I would save money this year in order to start on my little house I wish to do. Frustration, boredom, and access to Amazon were not a good combination for me this year. In the end I learned A LOT of things about myself and my environment.
I have a couple of trips planned for this year. One in Feb and my annual one for Cali. I'm planning on taking my cousin with me for a graduation present. we have a lot of the same interests, but don't get to see each other often. I thought it would be fun, and I'm not sure that my normal traveling companion will be coming. Other than that I'm glad to finally not be relying on someone who is nothing but unreliable, and have my freedom to do what I need to.
I've been a bit jealous of everyone who had a good year when I was stuck in a holding pattern, but that is something I'm letting go tonite. 2013 ended up being something completely different form what I had set out to do.
2014 however, I feel that this one will be my year. The year I had meant for this year to be.
Mal.
Well, this year started out good, and this was from the harvest new year. From November 1st until January 9th I was doing very well. I was confident in my job after several months of training and learning, I had adjusted to the schedule and was excited about what 2013 would hold. I had lots of things planned, lots of things, including travel.
Then over the weekend of January 4th, Bob the neighbor next door got sick and Dad tried to take him to the ER. He skipped and instead said he made a Dr's visit for the 9th. I got volunteered to go and take him. That morning I ended up calling 911, and he was gone by the time Roberta and I got to the hospital an hour later. After that it turned in to the most unproductive year ever. All I've done is stay with Roberta for my four days off. She has not even tried to get better. She has tried to make it her time to go instead of enjoying what time she has left. She has made the Dementia and Alzheimer's worse much quicker by refusing to do anything other than sleep. She keeps telling us that her time in this world is limited, but refuses to do anything but wait for it. This has been by far the worst thing I've ever been witness to.
I got one trip in which was my annual trip for the Masquerade Ball In July. That was a good and long trip, but not enjoyed as well as usual. For starters I slept through 85% of it. Good thing the little postage stamped hotel had comfy beds. I didn't get out of the hotel until at least 10am, and except for two days I was back by 4pm. It happened as soon as I got into the hotel room in Los Angeles. The train trip was nice. I purposely took the train so that I could change my mind frame over the 14hrs it took to get there.
The Train journey was.......interesting due to a couple of people. Then when I got my Toyota from enterprise I decided to see if my room might be ready. It is a small hotel so it wasn't and I went to go get the things I saved to get when I got there. Then when I got to check in at 2pm, I went strait to a shower and bed. Didn't even get dinner. It just seemed that the instant I didn't have to stress or worry my body decided it was time to sleep and recoup.
However on the nights of the ball, I stayed out until 3am Friday, and 2am on Saturday. Then on Sunday I took my friend who had stayed with me to his car so that he could go to a family party. I promptly went a bit further down the street to get snacks and gas for Monday's trip and went back to the hotel. Yep, I spent a whole day at the Hotel just watching TV and lounging in bed. It was awesome!! Then I went to the beach on Monday for a few hours.
I was mad at this because in all actuality I had a lot more stuff I wanted to do, but only did the big major planned stuff for the trip. In fact even during the Ball, a place where I usually get lost and enjoy a magnificent kingdom, I was disconnected and didn't enjoy it as much as I would've. It seemed to stem all from the want of my mind and body to rejuvenate through sleep. I got the feeling that if I had just stayed in the hotel the whole week my mind and body would've been very happy.
In all truth, this is probably the first year where the thought of staying and being homeless for a bit didn't seem like a joke. When it came time to go to the train home. I very seriously thought about just staying, much more than ever before. I came home and nothing had changed on the 85 yr old with Dementia and Alzheimer's front. In fact right now she is holding me captive and complaining about pains that should be gone due to the meds I've given her. She is in nothing but a depressed state, and she says she doesn't want to be a burden. However she purposely does all she can to make it seem she is getting her way, by being contradictory and agressive.
It's past time to put her in a facility. She never knows who I am, and takes an hour to recognize my Dad. However her son didn't leave her in a good position. In order to get into a facility we need to get her out from under this mortgage he took out on the house under both their names. That has been a whole other issue by itself. I just don't understand the finance world. It always has to make things so complicated and constatnly sayd you just don't quite make it.
This whole year from February till now has done nothing but make me feel ill. My body can stay very healthy as long as I can get proper rest. My numbers from a check up at work even said that except for my weight gain of 15 pounds, every thing is still good. How ever for 4 nights a week I average anywhere from 1 to 3 1/2 hours of sleep, and that has not been good on my mental health at all. Roberta seems to be fighting and resolving all her demons during the night. It ranges from mumbled talk to full out screaming matches in her sleep. Once in a while we get a week where she sleeps through the night. I will not be able to do this for another year.
We need to find a proper facility for her. One where we can go visit, but the 24 hr care is not ours. I will be able to handle that, but no more of this limbo stuff. I had hope to have my trailer for my house and maybe some framing done by now. I've done nothing but retail therapy and sit in a house bored out of my mind. It bugs me that 3 yrs after leaving a job that messed with me just like this, I'm right back where I started. This year was way to unproductive.
This next Harvest Year that is really going to change. On Oct. 31st some things are going to be looked at and changes made. Some forced like my work schedule by work. Others done for spiritual and mental health.
Mal.
This is insane. Bob really screwed everyone over. I don't know if it's that he just didn't care, or if he just really was clueless. My family seems to think that he didn't care and had hoped to out live Roberta.
So instead of keeping things on a level pace and leaving certain things alone he spent ALL her money and put her in debt with a new mortgage and credit cards. The worst part is that it's looking more and more that it all went towards gambling more than it did medical.
At this point Roberta has had a dementia fit and not slept since 41 hrs ago. I got some sleep because My mom stayed over last night, however she waited until mom tried to get some sleep and finally fell. she has some scratches on her arm. some bandaged and some not.
This is getting to be way to much. I can see why the people of old used to think that people with dementia were possessed. At times it's as if Roberta has split or multiple personalities. I'm getting tiered of having a lot of down time in which I can't get anything done. Hell right now I'm typing and watching her work very hard at not sleeping and being upset that her body is sleeping due to valium.
I keep hoping that she will just finally decide to take a nap. I have most of my costume cut, and half fray blocked. I should start sewing, but anytime I actually start a project is when she gets at her worst. also the time when she isn't bad that she wants attention via fighting.
Seriously I feel that she thinks that fighting is a sport. She is good with my mom and my dad, but every time she only wants to insult me and make sure I know how stupid I am. She is deteriorating fast and we haven't been able to fix much of the crap. My mom wants me to buy her house so that she is no longer under a mortgage. I really don't want a house. She is pushing it as an investment, but I don't really want a house. I want the small house that I want to build.
I should have more money saved up. I should be using my tax return to put more money towards that goal, however, in my depression and frustration I have turned to retail therapy and have to fix my own new debt. Now that I'm trying to not buy, I'm starting to stress eat. It's very hard to stay balanced when you have someone who won't let you sleep for 4 out of 7 nights a week.
This is getting to be too much. I used to wonder why people would be so quick to put loved ones in a home, but there will come a day where we will have too because at this time she has no concern for even her own safety.
Mal.
Well my animals are upset and claiming neglect. Roberta will claim neglect no matter what, Especially when the weather is bad. She takes great joy in being contradictory and abstinent, weather she is in a glassy eyed dementia state or not. Most of the arguments had she starts just because.
I've learned several things during these 4 months. The big ones being that I no longer wish to overload my mind with useless stuff, neither do i want to hang on to anger or resentment. The amount of bitterness that Roberta will exhibit is insane. Bitterness is not what I want at her age.
It is something that I have had over the past 3 yrs. Something that is still remnant from my days in PBX at Sandia. I've tried to let time heal it, but it sticks like no other. It doesn't help that there are many people and situations that push for the bitterness to stay. Such as this one with Roberta.
I haven't been this depressed or frustrated in 4 yrs. mostly it's from the lack of sleep while being with Roberta, and then the stress of 12 hr shifts for my 3 days that I'm working. I have two months to get a costume that I want to make done, but haven't been able to seriously start it.
In fact, there are many projects that I had in the works revolving around my resolutions that have gone to the way side. I hope to fix that soon. I've been asking for y family to get a caretaker to come in on Friday's so that I can have a day to do things. however my mom has decided that means that she will stay over night a couple of more nights and not run away as late when she works.
That has help a bit, but not in the way that I need. I still have no transition time from one great big stress to the other, and it's affecting me at work. 12 hr days are a stress, this full time care is a stress. I've had a very small amount of time to calm and chill. It's affecting my sleep and health. Not a good thing I know.
I fell that I know what my big lesson is, and I'm starting to look at what I will need to do in order to put it into effect. Infact I fully intend to not stay with my family anymore. I'll let you in on more in awhile.
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