So...I've said that I'm going to Let Go.....Right??

Mal.

So I've been making myself feel better by accepting and saying that it's time to go with the flow of what is happening in my life, as well as setting some goals. So if I've been doing that, why can't I let go of the fear and just fully dive in? I've gone over it, analyzed it, accepted it, and have been dominating it. I mean come on 4.0 GPA, but I still have issues when I'm not on that track. I really need to find a place to go to after I get home from the gym to do homework. It's been hard to get it done how I want to within this house, and I have no idea why. In fact I'm barley going to start this weekends homework in about an hour.

Every time I feel that I'm ready and that I'm going to let go of this bank I'm clinging to in this river, it just doesn't happen. I keep getting snagged, and the fear, shame and uneasiness set in again. Crazy thing is that I know that it isn't mine, not my families, and Yet it comes from somewhere. Wish that I could pinpoint where these feelings are coming from. I'm so tired of fighting and pushing against these feelings. I don't know how the got such a strong hold on me, but figuring out how to stop them from seeping back in has been a really hard thing.

I need to stop hurting myself and stick to my promises and word on all these decisions. More than one person has told me that a person goes through uneasiness and reinvents a part of themselves every 10 years or so. As a result I don't feel bad about school and going for a new career, but the time it takes and the swirl around it can send my into one crazy tail spin. I have an Idea to try to see if I can stop from exhausting myself just from stress. that way I can be the person I need to be. After all If I want to be able to take care of others I need to be in the proper mind set and Health, Right??