Mal.
So I've been making myself feel better by accepting and saying that it's time to go with the flow of what is happening in my life, as well as setting some goals. So if I've been doing that, why can't I let go of the fear and just fully dive in? I've gone over it, analyzed it, accepted it, and have been dominating it. I mean come on 4.0 GPA, but I still have issues when I'm not on that track. I really need to find a place to go to after I get home from the gym to do homework. It's been hard to get it done how I want to within this house, and I have no idea why. In fact I'm barley going to start this weekends homework in about an hour.
Every time I feel that I'm ready and that I'm going to let go of this bank I'm clinging to in this river, it just doesn't happen. I keep getting snagged, and the fear, shame and uneasiness set in again. Crazy thing is that I know that it isn't mine, not my families, and Yet it comes from somewhere. Wish that I could pinpoint where these feelings are coming from. I'm so tired of fighting and pushing against these feelings. I don't know how the got such a strong hold on me, but figuring out how to stop them from seeping back in has been a really hard thing.
I need to stop hurting myself and stick to my promises and word on all these decisions. More than one person has told me that a person goes through uneasiness and reinvents a part of themselves every 10 years or so. As a result I don't feel bad about school and going for a new career, but the time it takes and the swirl around it can send my into one crazy tail spin. I have an Idea to try to see if I can stop from exhausting myself just from stress. that way I can be the person I need to be. After all If I want to be able to take care of others I need to be in the proper mind set and Health, Right??
Mal.
Well as you know I have been going through a lot of frustration, bad moods, and realizations. I'm still on that slow path to getting a new career and a job that I will like, but still took some time out to decide what my next goals will be. My cuosin Micheal made fun of me for saying that I will have these things done in the next 6 years, but hey building a house will take some time. I'm not going to build a standard house Oh No!! I found a house that is calling to me and my small Gypsy side it's called the Fencl, and I plan to follow many others who have built and modified it by hand. I do plan some modifications to the roof for more storage space and probably a couple of other things. I will save money from my first three checks to buy the plans at the beginning of next year. Then start looking at what else I will need to get started. This type of thing has intrigued me since my uncle moved to Oregon in 2000. He and my aunt were there for about 10 years. After a few months in an apartment they decided for some random reason to buy a large travel trailer and lived in it while they were up there. My aunt said she was worried at first but after a bit she really liked it. Especially when they decided to drive somewhere because they just took everything with them, not having to worry about who will watch it. This has always appealed to me, but I wasn't sure that I wanted a Fifth Wheel. after looking and muling it over for about 5 months I decided that this would be good. With the Fencl it can be self sufficient, and I wouldn't have to worry if I bought land with utilities or not. The prospect of Simplifying down and having a small cleaning space is a real plus. Also with building it I wont have to take out a major loan to have it. Just get it as I allocate the proper money. This decision has me very excited. The prospect of Simplifying down and having a small cleaning space is a real plus.
Now the debate is to decide if I really truly want a scooter or not. I've always wanted a bike, but haven't learned how to ride or fully gotten one due to fear. If I get a scooter I can learn on the road, and have a bit more gas efficiency. Not to mention that when I finish the house it can go right in the living room while I drive somewhere or overnight. I'm looking at the Vespa , and the Stella. This isn't the first time I've looked at scooters either. It seems to be a favorite past time every time Gas is over $3.25 a gallon. I've realized that there is a lot that I do, but there is also quite a bit more that I stare at longingly because of fear. Whether it's my own or my family's. It's time to just let that fear go, really it is. I'm really excited about these and hopefully soon I'll have the full decision of the scooter too.
So what do ya guys think?
Mal.
Well, This is it. I've hit the home stretch and man is it going to be one hell of a run. Yesterday was day 2 of the first anatomy class. At this point in time the Two I can pull off the top of my head are Aden/o is gland, and Hematoma means a mass of blood. there are lots of others but I would need a paper in front of me.
Today we should be headed for the digestive systems. I still need to glue my flash cards together. The new teacher seems pretty good. We are all still adjusting to each other and happy to have her after the Computer Literacy fiasco.
I know that this is short and sweet, but I thought I would just do a small update since I haven't written for a bit. I'm still waiting for the dresses I bought to come from the UK. So I have no pictures to show just yet. promise to post them on my pages when they get here.
until than everyone stay safe.
Mal.
This may just be a repeat. Well Summer time is now just around the bend. Although with the cold and wind we had move in you wouldn't know it. I'm excited for the summer to come I got the OK and have set up to go to the Ball and can't wait to go. I'm a bit scared to be going by myself for the first time, but really do not want to miss it. Three days is not how long I like to be there but it will work all the same. I just set up for a Compact car instead of using Public transportation. That will be nice because I can hit the couple of stores I would have missed otherwise.
I have my costumes all set except for the mask and will need to find a good lace for that. I'm a bit sad that it is the only trip that I will be taking this year, but look forward to the future I'm building towards. Which will include other and further trips.
I get frustrated at times because I get caught up in instant gratification and feel that things are not progressing fast enough. I have forgotten how it is to have patience, another thing to work on while I'm in school. When we were young it seemed that one had all the time in the world in which to do anything. Now as adults we constantly look at our clocks and grumble about not enough hours in the day. Jealousy has had a part in it too. Several of my friends have gone or will be going to the far east. A place I have wanted to go to since High School, and I'm determined to make it there.
well I guess this will be my short jolt of info. It's all probably nothig that I have said before, but for right now it's my update. I should have more soon .
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