Harder than I thought it would be, but Working
Mal.
So I've been working very hard on my promise of no more comparison. It's much harder than I thought, but the times I'm successful at it yield awesome results.  I never fully realized how much restriction one puts on themselves with that pesky thing.  Of course, until the past 4 yrs I wouldn't really deal with comparison for long anyway.  At the end of my last job I had it crammed in my face so much that I just picked it up.  Now however I hope that it wont take to long to get it out of my system.  I'm much happier and get things done faster with out it.

I also hope that once I get rid of that ugly habit of comparison everything else will be easier.  After all if I'm not judging myself then I can just keep moving forward right?

I saws this pic of one of my heroes Sir Richard Bronson posted on Facebook by purpose Fairy.
  So in keeping with the spirit of not comparing myself to others I've decided to use this as a guide to getting back to being myself.

No matter if it's this person.
,This person.
,This person.



, Or even this person.












Just kidding the last blonde one is an entirely different Malibu.  One I love quite a bit and wish would come for a visit, but you get what I mean right?  On to being ME!!!
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A Conversation with Death.
Mal.
Over the past 3 in a half weeks I've been fielding many other issues and things in my mind and surroundings.  Isn't it interesting how you can look tiered and sad on the outside but an entire war and much more can be going on in your head?

Over the past three weeks my family has been replacing the roof on the house.  My dad, 3 of my uncles, and my grandpa have been re decking and putting metal on the roof. Two weeks of no time at all to myself and no real rest the way that I can only recharge.  So then last friday was the first day that I got to have a good relaxation.

After setting it all up and getting relaxed I fell asleep in my hot water and had a long conversation in my dream.  To my surprise mostly because I decided to forget some of what I learned when finding a faith that is more me.  Most people who know me may just know that I'm no longer christian.  I'm not one for organized religion. So even though I have gone pagan I choose to not join a coven or any groups.  I instead am eclectic picking up the things that resonate and learning many things along the way.  One of those things was the different jobs of death in the world.  The main one everyone knows is that he comes and takes you to the next plain(where or what ever that may be).  Another one is that one he attempted with me in mid 2010. Which is to end a section of your life that is not working out for you or that you are stagnant in.  Death does this so that you can continue to grow and change as one is supposed to.

I'm to stubborn for my own good at times.  As you know in mid 2010 I left a bad environment much later than I should have.  This conversation helped me realize that my biggest problem that I haven't been able to pinpoint is that I really haven't left that point as well as I thought I had.  I have been keeping way to much baggage from that experience and it has been tainting what I'm doing now.  I have been moving forward, but with to much fear and negativity that was given to me because I've been to afraid to let it go.

During the conversation I realized that I'm a person that I have never wanted to be.  I promised to let all the baggage go and to start with the ugliest thing I picked up.  Comparison.  I wasn't really one to fully compare myself with others because I always just wanted to do my best. In fact I used to just plain avoid or ignore the situations or people who would put comparison in my path.  Lately though judging myself unworthy due to comparison is all I seem to be able to do.   So now I'm going to do my best to drop that one.  I'm hoping that if I do then all the rest will fall without notice.  
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Fundamentals, and Scary Realizations.
Mal.
I've been a very angry and apathetic person for 2 yrs and almost 4 months now.  It's kind of odd because it's not like I've only stayed in a corner and done nothing the whole time.  In fact I've been trying very hard to return to the person that I once was and be happy and optimistic again.  Thing is I know how bad I was when I finally realized I plain just needed to leave an environment that was not good for me.  Unfortunately I didn't realize exactly how BROKEN I was when I left.  I thought it was just the environment and that I had tried to deal with it and hope for the best for too long a time, but it seems to have been more than that.  

 I can get myself into a good mood and do awesomely for a short period of time, and be happy that I'm the old me again.  However, it only lasts for a short period of time.  It's been a frustrating time because I want so badly to be the person I know I can be, not the tiered, apathetic, hermit that I can easily fall into.  There was a time where I could spend a whole day with those I love doing all kinds of active things and never feel burdened, now however, only after a short bit I just want to be left alone and not be bothered.  

 There was a time where I always wanted to be active and found a way to do it no matter how long it took, or bothersome it was.  Now if it seems that it will be hard I just want to not even start it.  I Have recently read some articles and blogs on certain things and come to a realization this week.   There is something fundamentally broken with in me.  I'm not sure what it is, but it has taken quite a bit from me. I no longer Trust, I no long truly care, I just do the minimum to get by, and I get frustrated by it all because it's not what I want to do.  

 I recently commented about how some relationships don't do well once passed the stage of lust because the people try to keep that first stage and wont grow or evolve becoming selfish trying to get that first stage back.  At this point I think that may be my problem.  I want to grow and evolve, but also be that old me who was always up to it and eager for it.  Right now all I do is get angry with myself and escape into the internet.  There is so much that I no linger want to be but keep finding myself in that very spot.  Well now there is another blog that I have found that made me see another thing, and now I will see what I can do to utilize that wisdom. 

 Part of my issue is that I have some people around me that wish to help also, but because they do not know my mind what they say and do doesn't really help at all.  In fact it just adds to the part of my mind that beats me up and tells me how bad I am.  The good thing now is that I realize that there is no going back to who I was.  That should not have been my goal in the first place.  My goal should be to move on and away from the hurt and breakage I have suffered, but have not been able to at all.   I've actually done a lot of things in my time of not working, but because my financial side suffered have let it make me feel a failure.  That's the first thing I will need to stop.  I took care of family, I went to school and now have a good job.  This job is set up to give me a much, much better balance of work and personal life than the last job, and yet I haven't made that work just yet because I'm stuck in a bad cycle.  It's now October and the Harvest New Year is 2 weeks away.  

 Now is the time to reflect, and treat it as a reflection not as a judgmental tool as I have been.  I'm going to post the article and the 2 blogs that helped me realize this.  I know that two of them are about relationships with others, but what is the bond with the two parts of your thinking mind if not a relationship?  One is always on the good, uplifting side, and one is always on the bad, judgmental side. I beginning to think that in order to be balanced I need to start treating this as a relationship rather than as a battle of will.

Article

Blog

Blog
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OK.....Time for lazy time to be over.
Mal.
I've been a bad girl. I have let myself get way too lazy!!  I got the latest virus that was going around the place where I was volunteering last November, and then just flat out stopped going to the gym.  I really need to start working out again. I've lost all of my toning and now have gained 5 pounds all around.  I need to drop my soda habit that I picked back up while working, and get back on track with my diet.  There were too many things that happened between last November and Now that I just let get in the way and run me down.  

Now is the time to stop that and get back on track.  I'm not going to get back to my favorite place just yet.  There are other ways though and i need to use them up until I can get back to the correct place.
Why I let myself get to this point I have no Idea, but it's time to stop.   I don't want to be a zombie who feels tired all the time ever again.  Not like how I was with my last job.  TIME FOR LAZY TIME TO BE OVER!!
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My fun B-day Week.
Mal.
I know that it was 7 days ago on the 31st of July, and that makes this post 7 days late.  I actually didn't celebrate until Wednesday the 1st.  I finally had the money to rent a room at the Park Inn Radison for the water park.   I'm glad that I did, it was a lot of fun.  A couple of weeks before my cousin Theresa, her sister in-law Tanya, and I went to cliffs with all the toddlers. the idea was to spend most of the time at the water monkeys water part.  It used to be a small gym with a sallow wading pool around it and we thought they would enjoy. 

 I had been hearing the advertisements about it being made bigger and a separate area for the toddlers was being made.  It turned out that there was not much for those under 45" at the new monkey's.

 So on to the first,  I rented a room and got the passes for the water park and it was awesome.  A bit smaller than I expected but had quite a bit for us to do. there was a mini river to float in, a gym just like the water monkey's used to be, and  several other things. we spent a good 4 hours there and had lots of fun.  the 2 slides they have are tall and windy.  Theresa and I couldn't get up the courage to go through the one where you are just sliding by yourself, but we went down the tube riding one twice.  there was also a wave surfing machine there.  One of the McCann teens Christopher and I went on it.  Velvet recorded it for me and I will post it for you.  

 if anything shows my age it has to be this. I thought I was doing pretty good until I tried to kneel then FWAP!! next thing I knew my bum was hitting the top.  I knew thw water was in my ear but didn't realize exactly how I had wiped out.  Craziness for sure.  
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