Allways just 2 b me!!!!!

I've been in my position for a little bit now.  It's a bit scary how fast the time goes when your work week is only 3 days at a time. I've been in the ER Admitting for  4 weeks now, but only have worked  11 days.  It is a bit frustrating for me because I look at the length before I remind myself that I have to look at days.  When I look at the length of a month I feel that I should be much further in my comfort zone than I am, but then when I realize to look at the days I feel much better and on track.  It's been interesting that is for sure.  As I have told some of my co-workers it has been a long road to where I am now.  Much longer than I had thought it would be when I started (I'm sure I've said that many times before), but I'm grateful for it.   Talking to these guys and appreciating the environment I'm in has made me realize that I needed the time that it took.  With that time I recovered and now have an awesome work place.  Granted that odd things happen, and the patients may not always be cooperative, but it's the co-workers and supervisors that make or break a job.  Both are quite awesome.

I've even been able to get some needed things and started being social again.  Just this past Tuesday, my cousin, her toddler, my cousin in-law, and her toddler spent the morning at Cliffs. It was a lot of fun, and made me realize exactly just how badly a hermit I have been.  I was hoping to go to Denver for the week of my birthday, but that isn't going to happen.  So instead I plan to go to the Park inn and play in the water park with the ones I went to cliffs with.  Clifss was fun for the rides, but the water monkeys was mostly geared to older kids and we weren't able to get or find any good little slides for a 2 and 3 yr old.  So now we will see what the indoor water park has to offer now that I have a bit of money to check it out.

I barley went to the ACE comic con this year, and missed my trip back home to Sypher.  So next year I plan to do much better with both.  Well at least with the ball I will do better.  for ACE I will only be able to go on Friday. :-) it will still be good though.  I'm working out in my head on what and how I'm going to catch up on certain things. then will start on the funds and savings I will need to do in order to get my little house on wheels started.

I'm very grateful to be in the wonderful place I'm at right now.  It's better than I had hoped it would be, And even though I'm not going to make it to Denver when I had planned I will get there by the end of August.  I also need to go see a friend in California by the end of the year, and get a friend who is now in Mexico to come visit.  So much to do and time is going quick.  How ever I feel that the only one that will be tricky is the bringing Malibu here.  She may make me wait until next year, but I hope no longer than spring.

<3

Well here we are!!  June 30th was the official 2 yr mark for when I started this journey.  I've now got to the next level and seem to be OK with the new job.  I've put in my first 3 day training and it went well. It will be a bit before I'm completely comfortable in a few places, but I'm excited about things so far.  Got my first check from the initial training class and got my uniform polo's and 2 new pairs of shoes.   Feel awesome since I've needed new shoes for about a year.  I'm going back in for my second round of three day week, and I'm very excited.  I also feel that I'm in a good place now.  As with any place I feel that there will be no getting around situations where there is conflict with people, but now I feel that it can be, Will be resolved in a timely and proper manner.  


I'm finally in a good place mentally.  It feels really good to not be in the dark and crazy place I was when I finally decided to let go of my fear and of the awful environment that was my last job.  I'm finally ready to move further forward and put the past couple of years into practice.  So except for the friends I made, I'm not going to even think about anything before Carrington College after this point.  The next step for me is to finish adjusting to a 3 day, 12 hr work week. (these past four days I've been very tired)  Then I shall finish going through and parring down my things as I save the money to build my little house.  


I'm ready.  I've stayed with my family for a number of reasons,  and told myself that I would move on after several things changed.  It's very obvious now that those things will not change, and I just need to move forward with that in mind.  I have the plans, and have been pinning on pintrest things that catch my eye for my little Popomo home.  Soon I will start checking around for trailer's to see which I would like to purchase.   Well I guess that's all for this update.  Promise to check back again soon. :-)

Do you ever have an exchange weather it's in person or on-line that is normal between people, but then have a full moment of clarity??  Not even because of what the person said, but just because of the exchange?  Just seeing the way it goes down and not really reacting to it, but actually seeing it.  then realize how zombified you were?  That just happened to me yesterday.  It made me realize some of the reason of why it's taken me so long to get to where I am.

On June 30th it will officially be 2 yrs since I said screw you in a nice way to my last job where I was in the worst mental state ever, and fast getting sick.  Even though I had gone to a personal trainer and was in the best physical shape I had ever been in didn't help so much.  Well I shouldn't say it didn't help. It did in fact help a bit.  It made me realize how crazy the environment I was in, and gave me the courage to say adios.

I had hoped to find a better environment after going on a trip I had planned way in advance. I had unwound a bit and hoped to hit the ground running which did not happen.  Many other things did instead, and now after those things, and even school.  Some of my environment is still not in good order, but I FEEL much better. In fact today I started training for a new job that as I did all the different interviews and things for seemed to be just what I want.

The schedule is interesting and will take some getting used to, but promises to give an excellent work/personal life ratio.  Once I get settled in one of my first goals is to reconnect with friends that I have dropped away from.  In fact I ran into one(Jenn) just this weekend at the ACE Comic Expo. It's going to be a good end of the year. I plan on getting several goals that I could not do because of lack of funds done. After all I'll have 3 to 4 days to get them done.

I'll write another check up in about two weeks after I'm done with my training class to let you know how things are going. until then i hope for a good summer for everyone.

Well after I used up the last of my hours for my second Externship. I decided to stay on over at RCA for three days a week to keep gaining some experience under my belt as I do a job search.
On my first Tuesday off ,about three months ago, I decided to go to the Library to see if they had a certain book that I could try and borrow to study for my second go at the CPC test.  The library didn't have the book. So I went to go look in my favorite areas to see what they did have that the brick and mortar book stores here do not.
I found this book.




When I picked it up form the shelf I thought 'Hmm that is an interesting title'.  I have had a few issues since about September where I felt I wasn't doing quite as well as I should, but couldn't put it down to much more than that I had other things that caught my attention or felt to tired.  then I started to read the book and it grabbed my attention with in the first chapter, and I knew that this was part of my issue.  I stayed at the Library for as long as I could reading about 50 pages, and deciding that this is a book that I need to own.  So I went to Barnes and Noble, Page One and Hastings, but couldn't find it any where.  I ended up buying it off of Amazon and waiting a week for it.


The concept of certain things hit so close to home that it really scares me, but it speaks to me and clicks in my mind the way no book has for a decade. The book that Click like this back then is one that I share with friends who need help in seeing that what they see is not always as wrong as others. My so called 'Pay if forward book', and it has actually helped a few people as far as I know.

The last book to speak to me in this way was this one.

This book however is helping me realize that I really let myself get trodden over in the last few years, and has ways to help me.  I've been trying for the past couple of years( as of the end of June.) to recover from my rut and Just be my full self again full time and Not just every so often, but haven't been very successful by my self and there are a few quotes from this book that have helped me see why.


Here are a few of them.
"People try to protect themselves against feeling bad by not feeling too good."   I do this now.


"Misery Addicts tend to give themselves less than what they need." 


"Misery Addict's are addicted to the system they have devised to protect themselves from unbearable disappointment."  the went into further detail of avoidance, which is something I have use largely in the past 5 years. 


"The Misery Addict absolutely must use support to make it. Yet all their instincts warn them against revealing themselves to others."


"If we continue to try to control something that can't be controlled, we keep ourselves stuck in our addiction to Misery."


These quotes Have helped me to stop and think and see certain patterns that I have been going through.  As a result I have been striving to not fall back into the lines that I have used for way too long.  Already it has helped me greatly.  I think that especially with the way we are all stuck in thinking because of the economy, this book should be read by more of us.  So please go find a copy somewhere and read at least the first half.  Maybe it will help you too. 

Well Spring has come, and I still am on the job hunt.  I'm not sure why I keep subtly sabotaging myself, but hopefully it will stop soon.  I just keep wither halfway through decide I do not like the person at the interview, or I let the timed tests scare me and proceed to not do well with them.  There is a bit of whispering in my head that I shouldn't be to upset because I will find my place soon.  It's just frustrating because I had hoped to have a job by now so that I could be back on the road to independence.

I will need to change my plans around some though.  I had hoped to have the money to buy the plans for the Fencl by now so that I could begin to pull together the stuff I would need to build it.  That has not happened.  How ever last summer around my birthday the plans for the Popomo were on sale for Ten dollars and I decided to purchase them to see what the plans wold look like.  I also thought that perhaps my parents would want to look at it and make one.  After all my dad is a very good handy man who builds things just from a small idea in his head all the time.  Plans should be a piece of cake for him.  However at this point in time I think that I may just build the Popomo, and If later on I still would like a Fencl I could always do so.  I'm going to start by checking out trailers in the size that the plan has and decide what kind I want.  Then I will look at the windows. I want some bigger ones on the ends and one in the bathroom.  Hopefully I can set to have it started by fall.  As of right now I'm finally starting to sort through my stuff and decide what I would take with me into the small home and what I can finally let go.

After all I still need to get Malibu out here from San Francisco.  After what happened around Christmas, and now her finishing her third fight.  I've come to realize that if she is going to come and visit me, even just once, I need to bring her out here myself.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  unfortunately she is being a bit of a brat about it. I can't blame her about it though, Just because you have to slowdown and even at times stop for health doesn't mean that the rest of the world is going to as well.

I've begun a new book, and read the first half at least three times. I will be writing a review on it because it is quite scary in the way that it's talking to me.  I will take the time this week that I'm not able to sort through my stuff and finish the second half of it.