Mal.
Last time I wrote it was while I had all these crazy thoughts and realizations running through my head at way too fast a rate. Since then I have worked to slow everything down not only around me but in my head as well. It bothers me a bit that it took that visit for me to realize that I was still hanging on to a great deal of the Negativity and Issues I had from my old job. I had thought that I had left them at the door the night I walked out for the last time, and that everything I was going through were just another set of crazy problems from the universe.
In a way I think it was that the world is trying to break me of the Habits that I picked up from that place. I realized that I still worry about things that I shouldn't and make a Mountain out of a Molehill. The universe has shone me this by taking the issue I've been worring about and adding a whole new twist to it. Seriously there have been three things that the issue shouldn't have mattered, but it did and then the twist came and blew me around the loop several times. As a result I have learned that I need to readjust my radar for worry. I really only have three places that are my major world right now. School, Gym and Home. School and Gym are good places, both are helping my to build a better future.(Sadly not through instant gratification, but hey if it's not going to crumble it needs a good foundation right?) home is an interesting front though, I know that my parents probably don't mean to make me feel the way they do. They just want to help or push or whatever else. Unfortunatly, most of the time it just causes to much friction and frustration.
However now that I have slowed down, instead of trying to keep my head above the water, I hope to truely fix myself right up.
So no more focusing of the SHOULD, COULD, WOULD, CAN'T, or any other depresive states of mind. NO, no more.
Mal.
I've decided to write this to put some crazy thoughts running through my head a voice. On Friday I went to see a friend that I used to work with at the job I quit 10 minths ago. The time both made me feel good and bad. Good becasue I got to see a friend I had not seen since last Fall, and bad becasue of what I heard and saw. My friend doesn't look like the person I saw last. She is tired and hurting; many of the things that she told me that are going on at my old job are old hat. After all they are the same things I saw and went through for 4 years, but the bad thing is that the main majority of it is not good, and after a while it begins to affect your happiness and health. My friend is a strong person and I respect her very much, so it makes me sad to see her in the spot I was in when I decided it was time to quit.
It boggles my mind how an area can go through so many people, and not see why their issues are always the same. I'm not sure what the reasons are that are used to explain a high turn over for a job that is in itself quite easy. It's the Drama and negative energy that is cultivated every day that makes the job the worst job I've ever had. EVER. I considered myself a strong person. I even spent 4 years at the job. Two of the years telling myself that if I just held out a bit longer things had to get better. Of course they never did, in fact I got targeted and it was one year ago that I decided it was time to get out, do to the way a meeting made me feel. Today one year later the treatment I recived still bothers me. I'm not as confident or trusting as I was before this job. The negativity and criticisim broke me.
I've been trying to rebuild myself. Including by going back to school and startign a career in the medical industry. So that I can have the things I needed from the bad job, but never got no matter how much I voiced the need for it. I'm putting some of the energy I have left into hoping my friend comes out on top and doing fine. That when she leaves or when any of the others there finally leave they can bounce back faster than me. After all I'm still working on bouncing back.
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