Allways just 2 b me!!!!!

I've been a very angry and apathetic person for 2 yrs and almost 4 months now.  It's kind of odd because it's not like I've only stayed in a corner and done nothing the whole time.  In fact I've been trying very hard to return to the person that I once was and be happy and optimistic again.  Thing is I know how bad I was when I finally realized I plain just needed to leave an environment that was not good for me.  Unfortunately I didn't realize exactly how BROKEN I was when I left.  I thought it was just the environment and that I had tried to deal with it and hope for the best for too long a time, but it seems to have been more than that.  

I can get myself into a good mood and do awesomely for a short period of time, and be happy that I'm the old me again.  However, it only lasts for a short period of time.  It's been a frustrating time because I want so badly to be the person I know I can be, not the tiered, apathetic, hermit that I can easily fall into.  There was a time where I could spend a whole day with those I love doing all kinds of active things and never feel burdened, now however, only after a short bit I just want to be left alone and not be bothered.  

There was a time where I always wanted to be active and found a way to do it no matter how long it took, or bothersome it was.  Now if it seems that it will be hard I just want to not even start it.  I Have recently read some articles and blogs on certain things and come to a realization this week.   There is something fundamentally broken with in me.  I'm not sure what it is, but it has taken quite a bit from me. I no longer Trust, I no long truly care, I just do the minimum to get by, and I get frustrated by it all because it's not what I want to do.  

I recently commented about how some relationships don't do well once passed the stage of lust because the people try to keep that first stage and wont grow or evolve becoming selfish trying to get that first stage back.  At this point I think that may be my problem.  I want to grow and evolve, but also be that old me who was always up to it and eager for it.  Right now all I do is get angry with myself and escape into the internet.  There is so much that I no linger want to be but keep finding myself in that very spot.  Well now there is another blog that I have found that made me see another thing, and now I will see what I can do to utilize that wisdom. 

Part of my issue is that I have some people around me that wish to help also, but because they do not know my mind what they say and do doesn't really help at all.  In fact it just adds to the part of my mind that beats me up and tells me how bad I am.  The good thing now is that I realize that there is no going back to who I was.  That should not have been my goal in the first place.  My goal should be to move on and away from the hurt and breakage I have suffered, but have not been able to at all.   I've actually done a lot of things in my time of not working, but because my financial side suffered have let it make me feel a failure.  That's the first thing I will need to stop.  I took care of family, I went to school and now have a good job.  This job is set up to give me a much, much better balance of work and personal life than the last job, and yet I haven't made that work just yet because I'm stuck in a bad cycle.  It's now October and the Harvest New Year is 2 weeks away.  

Now is the time to reflect, and treat it as a reflection not as a judgmental tool as I have been.  I'm going to post the article and the 2 blogs that helped me realize this.  I know that two of them are about relationships with others, but what is the bond with the two parts of your thinking mind if not a relationship?  One is always on the good, uplifting side, and one is always on the bad, judgmental side. I beginning to think that in order to be balanced I need to start treating this as a relationship rather than as a battle of will.

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I've been a bad girl. I have let myself get way too lazy!!  I got the latest virus that was going around the place where I was volunteering last November, and then just flat out stopped going to the gym.  I really need to start working out again. I've lost all of my toning and now have gained 5 pounds all around.  I need to drop my soda habit that I picked back up while working, and get back on track with my diet.  There were too many things that happened between last November and Now that I just let get in the way and run me down.  

Now is the time to stop that and get back on track.  I'm not going to get back to my favorite place just yet.  There are other ways though and i need to use them up until I can get back to the correct place.
Why I let myself get to this point I have no Idea, but it's time to stop.   I don't want to be a zombie who feels tired all the time ever again.  Not like how I was with my last job.  TIME FOR LAZY TIME TO BE OVER!!

I know that it was 7 days ago on the 31st of July, and that makes this post 7 days late.  I actually didn't celebrate until Wednesday the 1st.  I finally had the money to rent a room at the Park Inn Radison for the water park.   I'm glad that I did, it was a lot of fun.  A couple of weeks before my cousin Theresa, her sister in-law Tanya, and I went to cliffs with all the toddlers. the idea was to spend most of the time at the water monkeys water part.  It used to be a small gym with a sallow wading pool around it and we thought they would enjoy. 

I had been hearing the advertisements about it being made bigger and a separate area for the toddlers was being made.  It turned out that there was not much for those under 45" at the new monkey's.

So on to the first,  I rented a room and got the passes for the water park and it was awesome.  A bit smaller than I expected but had quite a bit for us to do. there was a mini river to float in, a gym just like the water monkey's used to be, and  several other things. we spent a good 4 hours there and had lots of fun.  the 2 slides they have are tall and windy.  Theresa and I couldn't get up the courage to go through the one where you are just sliding by yourself, but we went down the tube riding one twice.  there was also a wave surfing machine there.  One of the McCann teens Christopher and I went on it.  Velvet recorded it for me and I will post it for you.  

if anything shows my age it has to be this. I thought I was doing pretty good until I tried to kneel then FWAP!! next thing I knew my bum was hitting the top.  I knew thw water was in my ear but didn't realize exactly how I had wiped out.  Craziness for sure.  

I've been in my position for a little bit now.  It's a bit scary how fast the time goes when your work week is only 3 days at a time. I've been in the ER Admitting for  4 weeks now, but only have worked  11 days.  It is a bit frustrating for me because I look at the length before I remind myself that I have to look at days.  When I look at the length of a month I feel that I should be much further in my comfort zone than I am, but then when I realize to look at the days I feel much better and on track.  It's been interesting that is for sure.  As I have told some of my co-workers it has been a long road to where I am now.  Much longer than I had thought it would be when I started (I'm sure I've said that many times before), but I'm grateful for it.   Talking to these guys and appreciating the environment I'm in has made me realize that I needed the time that it took.  With that time I recovered and now have an awesome work place.  Granted that odd things happen, and the patients may not always be cooperative, but it's the co-workers and supervisors that make or break a job.  Both are quite awesome.

I've even been able to get some needed things and started being social again.  Just this past Tuesday, my cousin, her toddler, my cousin in-law, and her toddler spent the morning at Cliffs. It was a lot of fun, and made me realize exactly just how badly a hermit I have been.  I was hoping to go to Denver for the week of my birthday, but that isn't going to happen.  So instead I plan to go to the Park inn and play in the water park with the ones I went to cliffs with.  Clifss was fun for the rides, but the water monkeys was mostly geared to older kids and we weren't able to get or find any good little slides for a 2 and 3 yr old.  So now we will see what the indoor water park has to offer now that I have a bit of money to check it out.

I barley went to the ACE comic con this year, and missed my trip back home to Sypher.  So next year I plan to do much better with both.  Well at least with the ball I will do better.  for ACE I will only be able to go on Friday. :-) it will still be good though.  I'm working out in my head on what and how I'm going to catch up on certain things. then will start on the funds and savings I will need to do in order to get my little house on wheels started.

I'm very grateful to be in the wonderful place I'm at right now.  It's better than I had hoped it would be, And even though I'm not going to make it to Denver when I had planned I will get there by the end of August.  I also need to go see a friend in California by the end of the year, and get a friend who is now in Mexico to come visit.  So much to do and time is going quick.  How ever I feel that the only one that will be tricky is the bringing Malibu here.  She may make me wait until next year, but I hope no longer than spring.

<3

Well here we are!!  June 30th was the official 2 yr mark for when I started this journey.  I've now got to the next level and seem to be OK with the new job.  I've put in my first 3 day training and it went well. It will be a bit before I'm completely comfortable in a few places, but I'm excited about things so far.  Got my first check from the initial training class and got my uniform polo's and 2 new pairs of shoes.   Feel awesome since I've needed new shoes for about a year.  I'm going back in for my second round of three day week, and I'm very excited.  I also feel that I'm in a good place now.  As with any place I feel that there will be no getting around situations where there is conflict with people, but now I feel that it can be, Will be resolved in a timely and proper manner.  


I'm finally in a good place mentally.  It feels really good to not be in the dark and crazy place I was when I finally decided to let go of my fear and of the awful environment that was my last job.  I'm finally ready to move further forward and put the past couple of years into practice.  So except for the friends I made, I'm not going to even think about anything before Carrington College after this point.  The next step for me is to finish adjusting to a 3 day, 12 hr work week. (these past four days I've been very tired)  Then I shall finish going through and parring down my things as I save the money to build my little house.  


I'm ready.  I've stayed with my family for a number of reasons,  and told myself that I would move on after several things changed.  It's very obvious now that those things will not change, and I just need to move forward with that in mind.  I have the plans, and have been pinning on pintrest things that catch my eye for my little Popomo home.  Soon I will start checking around for trailer's to see which I would like to purchase.   Well I guess that's all for this update.  Promise to check back again soon. :-)