I've been a very angry and apathetic person for 2 yrs and almost 4 months now. It's kind of odd because it's not like I've only stayed in a corner and done nothing the whole time. In fact I've been trying very hard to return to the person that I once was and be happy and optimistic again. Thing is I know how bad I was when I finally realized I plain just needed to leave an environment that was not good for me. Unfortunately I didn't realize exactly how BROKEN I was when I left. I thought it was just the environment and that I had tried to deal with it and hope for the best for too long a time, but it seems to have been more than that.
I can get myself into a good mood and do awesomely for a short period of time, and be happy that I'm the old me again. However, it only lasts for a short period of time. It's been a frustrating time because I want so badly to be the person I know I can be, not the tiered, apathetic, hermit that I can easily fall into. There was a time where I could spend a whole day with those I love doing all kinds of active things and never feel burdened, now however, only after a short bit I just want to be left alone and not be bothered.
There was a time where I always wanted to be active and found a way to do it no matter how long it took, or bothersome it was. Now if it seems that it will be hard I just want to not even start it. I Have recently read some articles and blogs on certain things and come to a realization this week. There is something fundamentally broken with in me. I'm not sure what it is, but it has taken quite a bit from me. I no longer Trust, I no long truly care, I just do the minimum to get by, and I get frustrated by it all because it's not what I want to do.
I recently commented about how some relationships don't do well once passed the stage of lust because the people try to keep that first stage and wont grow or evolve becoming selfish trying to get that first stage back. At this point I think that may be my problem. I want to grow and evolve, but also be that old me who was always up to it and eager for it. Right now all I do is get angry with myself and escape into the internet. There is so much that I no linger want to be but keep finding myself in that very spot. Well now there is another blog that I have found that made me see another thing, and now I will see what I can do to utilize that wisdom.
Part of my issue is that I have some people around me that wish to help also, but because they do not know my mind what they say and do doesn't really help at all. In fact it just adds to the part of my mind that beats me up and tells me how bad I am. The good thing now is that I realize that there is no going back to who I was. That should not have been my goal in the first place. My goal should be to move on and away from the hurt and breakage I have suffered, but have not been able to at all. I've actually done a lot of things in my time of not working, but because my financial side suffered have let it make me feel a failure. That's the first thing I will need to stop. I took care of family, I went to school and now have a good job. This job is set up to give me a much, much better balance of work and personal life than the last job, and yet I haven't made that work just yet because I'm stuck in a bad cycle. It's now October and the Harvest New Year is 2 weeks away.
Now is the time to reflect, and treat it as a reflection not as a judgmental tool as I have been. I'm going to post the article and the 2 blogs that helped me realize this. I know that two of them are about relationships with others, but what is the bond with the two parts of your thinking mind if not a relationship? One is always on the good, uplifting side, and one is always on the bad, judgmental side. I beginning to think that in order to be balanced I need to start treating this as a relationship rather than as a battle of will.
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